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LonesomeTonight · 06:24 PM

T yesterday. (Wasn't going to do a second session this week, but was really struggling Wednesday and asked if he had anything available.) Went back and sat down (he was ringless). T: "Hello." Me: "Hi." T (looking concerned): "How have you been doing?"

I told him how I'd started crying in public the day before when a song came on that I associated with ex-MC. Which showed me that I'm not OK. And probably needed to talk more. T asked how long it took me from starting to cry to recovering, and I said I was mostly able to control it within a few minutes. But that normally I'm able to avoid crying in public, like wait until car, home, his office.

He asked how many songs I associate with ex-MC, and I said I guessed more than I realized. That this one I'd heard since then and it hadn't affected me as much, but the day before it just hit me. It's Of Monsters and Men's "Little Talks." I said how it was a duet, and that the woman sings "There's this old voice in my head that's holding me back," and the guy says "Tell her that I miss our little talks." And that the "our little talks" made me think of ex-MC. And then near the end, the woman sings, "You're gone gone gone away, I watched you disappear, all that's left is a ghost of you." And how that seems to fit, too. (I feel like I'm quoting an excessive number of song lyrics to T lately, and he's probably thinking, "What the hell is she talking about?")

T: "I thought most of the songs you associated with him were more obscure, so not something you'd hear in public." Me: "Well, most are, but this one, it's one they play in a few of the bars/restaurants that I go to. I don't think I'd probably have to worry about hearing it at the grocery store." T: "Grocery stores are where I do most of my music listening." I smiled.

I mentioned how I hadn't heard back from ex-MC (still haven't). And before, I was more afraid of what he'd say. But now I think that silence will bother me more. T: "I could understand that, a lack of acknowledgment." Me: "Exactly. But I guess I didn't make it clear that I necessarily wanted a response..." T: "You didn't, and he actually could have intepreted the one line about how you'd understand if he just deleted the message without replying, where he might think that meant you didn't want a response." Me: "Yeah...I wish I'd been more clear."

I said I hated that I was still struggling with this. T: "If it helps, I think it's perfectly normal for you to be feeling this way right now. He was a very important person to you. And you're grieving." Me: "I guess I just feel like, the rupture part, it was a year ago, I should be over it by now." T: "But anniversaries can be hard. And you may not have been ready to deal with it sooner." Me: "Like maybe I wasn't ready to grieve it before?" T: "Yes." Me: "OK, so now all these feelings are coming out." T: "I've lost some family members, and the feelings of sadness still come up years later at various times, like when something makes me think of them."

Me: "I think I just feel bad because, I mean, I wasn't this upset my grandmother." T: "Was she an important person in your life, as important as ex-MC?" Me: "Yes, definitely. But...also, I mean, she was declining for years before she died. Like she'd stopped being the woman I knew her as. So, maybe it was like I did my grieving before that?" T: "Yes, that often happens with a longer illness like that."

I said how last session, it felt like he was saying that ex-MC didn't do anything clearly wrong, which felt a bit invalidating. T: "I just meant that there wasn't one clear thing. It was more of a feedback thing." Me: "What do you mean?" T: "It was more about the interactions between you. How you responded to each other." Me: "Like, how you said before that he sense what my needs were and met them?" T: "Yes, then how you responded to him doing that, and so on."

I said so I guessed he was saying it maybe wasn't the fault of one or the other of us, but how we interacted together. He agreed. Me: "I guess it's kind of like a relationship that ends due to irreconcilable differences." T: "Yes, like with a divorce, sometimes it's like both people really tried, and it's no one's fault, it just didn't work." Me: "As opposed to times where, say, one of them was a serial cheater." T: "Yes, like you'd be in divorce court and a witness would be like, 'What can I say, I wouldn't want to be married to that person either.'" Me: "Yeah."

Back to ex-MC. We talked about how it's almost like he painted himself into a corner, that he couldn't keep meeting my needs. Me: "And he'd say things like 'I can't continue to reassure you,' then would turn around and reassure me. Or he'd say we needed to focus on marriage stuff in session, then he'd spend a session basically just talking about my stuff, like something I had going on with a family member, one time some issues I was having with ex-T, stuff like that." T: "Oh, so it's like he realized he had to change things." Me: "But then he didn't. And I'm more likely to believe someone's actions than their words." T: "That seems confusing." Me: "Yes...and it also seemed like, if I just pushed for it, he'd give me what I wanted. And that he'd keep accepting me no matter what, which probably isn't realistic." T: "Yes, up until you crossed that boundary with the love confession." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "It's helped to talk about all of this some more. I was going to try to be OK with just one session this week, but then when I started crying in public, I realized maybe I should come in." T: "Yeah, I was wondering why you'd decided on that this week. I assumed maybe it was about money, since last week was an expensive week, with an extra session and the email." Me: "Yeah, that was definitely part of it. Plus I was also thinking, 'I should be able to manage this. It's 6 days (from Tuesday to Monday)." T: "You seem to say that a lot."

Possible trigger:

Me: "I guess it's the whole, do I really deserve twice a week? I mean, it's not like I'm standing on a bridge ready to jump." T: "Goodness...." Me: "I mean, I hate bridges, so I'd have to be really desperate to pick that way. And, I guess, I've always thought I couldn't take pills because I'm so terrible at swallowing them, I'd be asleep before I took enough to do anything." T: "You're running out of options there." Me: "And I hate guns, so..."

Me: "But I guess I just feel like I should have been able to handle it. I wanted to ask you for another session, but it was like, 'No, I can do this.'" T: "You were struggling so much last week. I thought to myself that you seemed to be shooting yourself in the foot in choosing to just come once this week." Me: "Yeah..." T: "I actually wondered if maybe you were doing that to get back at me." Me: "What do you mean?" T: "Well, you seemed upset that I'd charged you for the email. Really, you always seem bothered the times I do that." Me: "Yeah...I mean, I appreciate that you take the time to write such a long reply those times, it's not like you're writing 3 sentences and billing me $45. I guess it's partly that I feel guilty spending the money for it." T: "I was thinking that, too." Me: "But then...as I'm thinking about it, maybe there is some element where I was getting back at you. Since a couple people have commented that you make money off inciting insecurity in me. Like I don't feel that way, I certainly don't think you intentionally do or say something to upset me so that you can make more money. Because that would be really f***ed up." T: "I certainly wouldn't do that intentionally." Me: "I know." T: "But I also know that you prefer to work through things sooner. And like with today or last week, you can talk through things and then be able to enjoy your weekend more. To not have it hanging over your head. Because part of therapy is living a better life." Me: "Yeah...it does really help me to work through things earlier, because otherwise I end up ruminating over them."

I said I also had wanted to try to get through this week without emailing him more, since I'd sent the long one the week before (about his son) and the one about struggling with ex-MC anniversary Monday. That I'd tried to not send the Monday one, I'd done other things first to try to deal with it. He said that was good that I tried the other things. Me: "I just worrying about emailing too much." T: "You know my policy. As long as you're respectful of my time, it's fine. And you've definitely been respectful of my time." Me: "OK, good, I've tried." T: "And I know it might be difficult sometimes that I mainly respond in the mornings, unless it's a crisis or scheduling of course." Me: "Yeah, I really do appreciate you responding the other night about ex-MC. I figured it wouldn't be until the morning."

T: "I'm really sorry to do this." Me: "I know, we have to stop, it's OK." (It was 12:28). Very quickly confirmed next week. I went over to pay, while rambling about how I think the way he and I interact over email is different than with ex-MC and I didn't want him to apply the ex-MC stuff to how he worked with me. Me: "Yeah, I know this probably isn't making sense." T: "I was waiting for it all to come together." Me: "I'm not sure it's going to. Basically, I worry that you'll think that because there were some issues with my emailing with ex-MC, that you would feel we couldn't do that. But it's a different relationship and a different dynamic." T: "I agree." Me: "OK, good." (I paid while this discussion was happening.) Shook hands as T said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too." Me: "This helped, thanks." T: "I'm glad. Take care." Me: "You too."