hi all, this is my first post here, so apologies if i break any rules.

while i believe it is true that c-ptsd will never end, and that we can not heal the past, i do believe we can learn to live in a way that causes us less pain. well, let me speak for myself: i believe i can learn to live in a way that causes me less pain.

at least, that is my goal.

i no longer try to be like neurotypical people. i am not. i accept that about myself. i have been traumatized. i can’t change what has become hardwired in my brain, but i can make choices that help me stay grounded in the moment. that is the best i can hope to do, and i am okay with that.

last week, i was confronted with a full on trigger of an earlier memory from my childhood. i won’t write about it here cause i’m not sure that’s allowed- and it might trigger other people, but the bottom line is that i called my support people, and stayed on the phone with them till i could get back into my body, and into the present moment, where i was, actually, safe.

there was no way to protect myself from the triggering event.

there is no way to protect my past self from the orginating event.

so my goal is to find a way to heal myself in the present moment.

at least for me, having been working with all of the traumatic events, and the subsequent trauma and dissociation for nearly 50 years, i can share that i have come to accept that is the best i can hope for in this world, and i’m okay with that.

yes, it gets old. every day, i feel that way. i’m tired of it. i’m tired in general. it is a lot to live with. but i also know that i am not alone. that as lonely as i feel (and most of the time, that presents itself as a huge gap between me and my loved ones, in terms of their tolerance of my issues, and even more, their underestanding), i am, truly, not alone- because SO many people have experienced trauma.

we are all in this together. and if i can just get over my shame and embarassment in the moment, and reach out, beyond the gap, i know, there is always someone who will accept me as i am, understand me, and love me. because in spite of what i was told when i was little, i am lovable, and i am worthy of being loved.

also, i can love others. and i do. very much.

as long as i can love, i know this: i may be bruised, broken, shattered even, but i am still alive.