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chihirochild
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Default Dec 15, 2018 at 03:35 PM
 
Had an odd session, but a good one, I think.

Because I can be a bit of a scatterbrain, I set a reminder on my phone so that I'd remember to re-read the posts I wrote last week--about how the session had gone and how I wanted to talk more about the topic we ended on (the fact that what I often want from therapy is to feel contained/held). So I re-read them while I was waiting for HWMNBN. Once we sat down and he asked what I had for the agenda I took a deep breath and said that I thought we ought to talk about how I seem to want containment from therapy but often don't get it... but that I have trouble talking about it so could he help me, please?

It transpired that "I have trouble talking about it" was an understatement. Poor HWMNBN was trying his damndest but I really couldn't tell him much about what I wanted or what I felt. He kept saying things like, "what would you want if you were unconstrained by reality?" [I don't know, though I do feel sure I don't want any physical touch from him] or, "is it that you know what you want but feel embarrassed to say it?" [no] but I just couldn't give him much and now have forgotten much of that part of the conversation. I do remember him asking if I could tell him where in my body I felt whatever-it-was I was feeling, and I touched the top of my sternum. He asked if it was in my neck or my chest, and I said it was in my chest. (I had the desire to snarkily give him a precise anatomical location--"at the junction of the manubrium and body of the sternum, which where the second rib articulates with the sternal structure; also known as the Angle of Louis--why the bloody hell does it matter?"--but I restrained myself.) He noticed that I seemed to like dealing with this subject, which made me a little embarrassed but I agreed that yes it felt like something important, that I wanted to try even though I was very frustrated that I was having so much trouble with words. He didn't directly reassure me about that but his manner was calm and patient which helped.

Somewhere in this conversation he said that I seemed "softer" somehow, since we came to the agreement that led me to decide to continue therapy with him. (I don't really want to get into that but essentially we decided to quit talking about what either of us think my exact diagnosis is.) I said that yes, I felt less antagonistic. I grinned and said, "it [the agreement] was a good move" which made him sigh in a sort of exasperated but also laughing way. I said that if I seemed more vulnerable to him it was probably because I felt that it was safe enough to do so--I no longer felt that I had to defend myself from him saying something that I found hurtful or disruptive. He said something along the lines of how he felt badly that he had hurt me.

We sat for a bit. Then he said, "I find myself wishing I could give you what you need, even though you aren't able to articulate exactly what that is." We sat in silence for quite a while then but it actually felt okay, nice even.

He said he was going to say something a bit weird, "maybe even too personal," then noted that he was looking at me quite steadily while I was looking at the floor. He wondered aloud why that might be, if it might have something to do with my discomfort about my own needs and desires, whether it felt more comfortable to displace my longing onto him. I considered, then said I didn't feel like that was it--looking at him intensified my shame about the whole business, and it was just too difficult for me to look at him for any length of time. I said that while in the past he'd interpreted my lack of eye contact as an unconscious attempt to make him "lean in" more (like, I was withdrawing in an attempt to make him "chase after me"), but that this interpretation had felt bad to me (almost like he was saying "I've got your number, now stop doing that," though that was not what he said at the time). He seemed a little startled but did consider my viewpoint and didn't push his which I appreciated.

I said that while I didn't understand what exactly was going on (seemed likely to be something pre-verbal) that it felt nice to be trying to discuss it at least. He asked if I knew why. I thought for a while and then said that the inequity of gaze didn't feel like the important aspect to me; what felt important was that I felt vulnerable and he was seeing that clearly. I said something like, "the way that you are present with me right now feels inherently healing." And it did, for some reason. I really wish I understood why, though I don't even know if understanding is important or not.

Then he said, "I know you've done some reading in psychoanalysis. Have you ever come across the term 'erotic transference?'" I said I had. (It'd be *really* difficult to read any serious amount of psychoanalysis and not stumble across that term but whatever.) He said that it felt to him like there was an erotic component to this discussion. I said I wasn't conscious of that, and asked him to explain why he felt that way. He couldn't really--gave me some general stuff about how sex and sexuality are pervasive in adult relationships, how it is unlikely for any relationship between a heterosexual man and heterosexual woman is to be completely without an erotic component, even in relationships where any erotic acts are completely verboten. I said that the longing I feel for containment feels very childlike, and shared with him this image I get of a small child holding up something broken to show to an adult. He noticed that I seemed to find discussing this business of eroticism "aversive," and I said yes. He said he felt as if he'd broken a spell or burst a bubble, and felt badly for that. We were over time so I had to leave; I told him that I didn't think he had anything to feel badly about.

Maybe that last part will sound odd to folks, but it didn't feel scary or unsafe at the time. A little awkward, but not truly icky. I think it helps me to know that all of our sessions are videotaped and reviewed by other providers every week, which feels like it mitigates some of the risk inherent in having a vulnerable patient and less-vulnerable therapist talking about any erotic aspect of their dyad. (I'm not saying I think those are bad conversations to have, of course, I'm just saying that I'd be stupid to be ignorant of the fact that some therapists take advantage of their clients.)
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