Well I agree with all of this. I have never been to therapy though I was debating going I can't bring myself to.

One reason I remain a loner is because I grow weary of meeting people and not being able to trust them. There just doesn't seem to be opportunities any longer to meet functional people.

For instance: for the 14th year in a row I spent a week of harassment about going to the xmas party. But it seems to me, the point of an x-mas party is to provide gossip for another year, and frankly, for co workers to get you drunk so they can get the "one up" on you. I went to the party once.. I had at least 4 guys who I didn't like and didn't trust in my face offering to "buy a drink" when I said no they got even more obnoxious and one actually got me one. I left. I am constantly told I am going to meet people there but who? Anyone who is there who isn't from the workplace will be with someone else?

I volunteer on my condo board and it is horrible. I wish I was someone who could inspire leadership but most of the people on this board are idiots. But at a base level they don't listen to me. I am making zero friends and zero accomplishments -- yet I am the one doing all the work. All of the rest of them want to offer ideas but do not work, and I end up doing the work so we don't look like idiots. They only reason I stay is because I have hope that I will be able to hold off their stupid ideas. It comes down again to stupid gossipy people who want to gossip and be bossy.

Unlike you, I like being me... but I acknowledge that certain things about me are problematic and make for living in a miserable world.

Such as: I have a high threshold for danger. Most people want to be intimate at an 18 on a scale from 1-10. Me... around intimacy level 5 I want to run. Mostly experience has shown me almost no one really is worth intimacy so I want to run early. I often say terrible things to friends like "I was avoiding you." and make it like a joke. But I was avoiding them... because I would prefer just not to talk to them. TO them that insane because they are normal but ... the only reason I talk to them is because i have to.

Though I have a lot of friends, I don't seem to attract people who are high quality friends. One early sign of that is that I am never "the top friend". I am never the BFF. There is always another friend who is the top friend. I feel like this is because I am single and people take me for granted.. and also I am not a MEAN person. I don't want to gossip and say mean things about others. So I am a "kill joy" and only put into the "if no one else is around" category. I don't want to get drunk, I don't want to spend my weekends drinking or getting high, I don't want to spend my weekends and some stupid event like a friend's daughter's play... thus what good am I?

I also have physical difficulties. A lot of people say they don't notice them but they are obvious. So you don't know what is wrong, you just know something is wrong. The worst part is when people ignore these things and suggest that you are being silly to think people would notice them... so you don't even get the benefit of your legitimate difficulties. They are dismissed and you are blamed. They don't even want to give you your righteous due.

I don't know what the answer is... I continue bumbling on just trying my best.