I'm so sorry you're struggling, MrWalker It sounds like you've had a difficult past. You've been through a lot. There's no doubt that our parents can have a big impact on how we deal with the present... so it's hard when we don't receive the love we need and deserve. Do you see a therapist? Maybe like that could help you. You may learn some coping techniques to deal with your feelings of guilt and self-loathing. In the meantime, remember that I'm here for you. I'll listen to what you have to say. I care about you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this