T today. Went back and sat down. T: "How was your weekend?" I started crying. Me: "Oh great, I'm crying in the first minute of session..." T: "Not good then?" Me: "Objectively, it was good. Went out with H Saturday evening, watched [my football team] win at a bar Sunday. But." T: "Other stuff on your mind was affecting you?" Me: "Yes. You can probably guess what...more with ex-MC."

I said how I'd sent him a followup email Thursday saying that after thinking about it, I did want some sort of response, whether just an acknowledgement that he'd read it, or more if he wanted to share more. And I still hadn't heard back. (Crying) And it just felt like I was nothing to him now.

T said he could understand my feeling that way. And he had two thoughts about it. The first was from a professional standpoint. That I'm still his client. Me: "I am?" T: "Yes. He hasn't sent you a formal termination letter. And he left the door open for you and H to come back, right?" Me: "Yes." T: "So, yes, you're still his client in a professional sense. Without the email, if you were to go out and shoot 500 penguins, then maybe right now he wouldn't be considered partly responsible. But if you sent him the email and he didn't reply, then you went out and shot 500 penguins, he could be considered partly responsible, because of client abandonment." Me: "Oh, OK." Note: I have no intention of killing any penguins.

T said there's also the emotional element, where he should reply to me because of that. I said (through tears) I just felt like I didn't exist to him now. T said he completely understood that (he was using his version of the super caring voice through all of this). How he'd likely feel the same way if he was in my position. Which meant a lot to me.

We talked about reasons why he may not have replied. I said how I thought maybe he'd been out of town or sick or something. T said one aspect of his job takes him out of town for 1-2 weeks at a time, so could be that. (I didn't mention I'd seen his car in the parking lot on my way in--his office is across the street from T's.) He said it could be that he read the email and intended to reply, but then it ended up on page 6 of his emails and he lost track of it. But T said my sending the followup made that much less likely. That maybe he was trying to figure out what to say. Or he wasn't sure if a reply would benefit me.

I said if he didn't think I'd benefit by reply or if he didn't want to engage in email anymore, then I felt he should tell me that. How it might hurt, but silence feels worse to me right now. Because I don't know what's going on, and there are many reasons why he might not be replying. Me: "I don't know if this is a good idea or if you'd even be willing to do this. But...I wondered if it might help if you could contact him and just find out if he doesn't want to correspond with me anymore over email. Like maybe he doesn't want to tell me directly, but he'd be willing to tell me through you? I'm not looking for some long explanation, like I'm not asking you to talk to him for an hour to figure out what happened with me. I just want to know if he doesn't want me to contact him anymore."

T thought for a bit. T: "Do you feel OK waiting until Thursday?" Me: "I guess, I mean, I feel like I'm in this spiral." T: "If you wait till Thursday, that will be a week since your last email to him. And if you haven't heard back, then if you want me to contact him, I'm willing to do that." Me: "OK, thanks. I think I can manage until then."

Me (crying): "I just hate that I'm so affected by him. I feel like I should be over this by now." T (in the caring voice): "He was a very important person to you. It makes sense that it's affecting you this much." Me: "That helps to hear. I just keep getting upset with myself for still being affected."

T: "I think he gave you a feeling that no one else ever has." Me: "Yes." T: "And you want to feel that again. And so that's why you reach out to him. You want that fix." Me: "Yes. I can get feelings approaching that from you at times." T: "Well, but I don't 'hold you with my voice' or things like that." Me: "True. But I do get....something from you. OK, that sounds really bad, sorry." T: "I'm not offended by that at all!" Me: "OK, good, I guess I'm just trying to say that you do give me some feelings like that at times, but I feel like nothing can reach the level of ex-MC. I think that was just something in how he and I interacted." T: "And what you got from him, you felt understood. You didn't get that from your mom, she tried to make you into someone else. But he saw the real you." Me: "Yes, he understood and accepted me as I was." [sobbing] Me: "He understood and accepted me, but then ultimately ended up rejecting me. I mean, he would of course say that he didn't reject or abandon me, because H and I could still come see him for sessions, but..."

T: "Here's another place where professional vs. emotional come into play. Professionally, he may not have abandoned you. But I think it's pretty clear that he did emotionally." Me: "Yes...and I think that's part of what really hurt me, that he didn't seem to understand that. Like if he'd just said, 'I know I really hurt you, I'm sorry...'"

Talked about my contacting ex-MC. T asked how much I'd contacted him since termination. I said about 6 times, but one of those was right after termination (like that day) and another was just to say I had PhD interview and wish me luck. T: "OK, we'll consider that 4 emails then. They were all times when you were feeling vulnerable, right?" Me: "Yeah." T: "And I think at least two of the times were when there was conflict in here." Me: "Yeah, the one a month ago when I was wondering if I needed to see someone else." T: "Yes, and I think there was one with the stone." Me: "Yeah." T: "So you were looking for emotional support. He may have been unsure how to handle that, what his role was." Me: "Yeah, but he replied all those times." T: "Well, as we've talked about before, he's never been clear with boundaries." Me: "Yeah...like he kept replying to the emails, so I thought it was OK to still send them, that he'd keep replying."

T: "So where do you see this going? Say he replies to this one, something like, 'I'm sorry you're still feeling bad about this. Best of luck to you in the future." Me: "So like something nice but innocuous?" T: "Yes." Me: "I don't know. I mean, it would make me feel better...but I don't know how long it would last." T: "That's what I'm wondering." Me: "Ideally, I'd be contacting him less and less often."

T said he wondered if I'd still be looking for that feeling I got from him, a fix. T: "And if you're emotionally vulnerable, looking for a fix from him could be like going to a crackhouse." Me (kind of laughing): "So you just compared ex-MC to a crackhouse. If I was still on good terms with him, I'd have to tell him you made that comparison. See, I can laugh about it, I guess that's good..."

I said how I didn't know how to stop wanting that, how maybe he just needed to tell me to stop contacting him. Me: "When the teacher did that, I didn't contact him again." T: "But that was really painful, right?" Me: "Yes, it hurt like h*ll, but it did get me away from him. I feel like ex-MC being harsh with me in that call, it accomplished the same thing. Maybe I never would have been able to leave if he hadn't."

T: "So what are the ways a relationship can end that don't involve a big conflict or a fight?" Me: "Well, I guess if it just kind of fades away." T: "Yes, the fadeaway. Sorry to be referencing basketball there." Me: "What?" He explained, referencing Michael Jordan. Said how another way of relationship ending is two people just realizing it isn't working anymore. Me: "But would that involve a conversation saying that?" T: "Not necessarily, might just both realize it on their own."

Talked about how maybe I was having trouble accepting that relationship with ex-MC was over. Me: "I know acceptance is last stage of grief, so I'm clearly not there yet." T said in a way he thought I was in the denial part, but didn't seem quite right. T: "You're still clearly actively grieving." Me: "Yes." T: "It can be harder when it's for someone who hasn't died. Because there can still always be hope for reconciliation." Me: "Yeah, like with a romantic partner, that you could get back together. Or at least thinking you could eventually be friends. But I don't think that could happen here." T: "What makes you think that couldn't happen with ex-MC?" Me: "You think I could be friends with him? I don't think that could happen." T: "No, I just meant reconciliation. I don't think you could be friends, it's too complicated." Me: "Yeah that's why I was surprised when I thought you were saying that."

Talked more about feeling like ex-MC really understood me. I said how some of that may have been his talking about his own anxiety. Me: "I guess it's like...I feel that a person has to be messed up in some way for them to understand or accept me. Like if someone seems like they have it all together--even though I know that might not be real--it's like how could they want to deal with me? I think that's why...I wanted to know the stuff about your son--but I don't want to get into that now, was just giving example. But it's like I need the other person to be...broken in some way. Maybe that's not the right word." T: "Broken is the word I was thinking of. Actually it makes me think of this pop song that's out now, 'I like that you're broken, broken like me.'" Me: "I don't know that one (Google says it's lovelytheband, and OK, I have heard this song before and now have it stuck in my head), but yes like that." (Note: this is now 3 consecutive sessions where song lyrics have been cited by one of us.)

I said I knew we had to stop soon. Me: "I just wish I could get through this. I want to feel better. I don't want to keep being so sad. I want to start taking better care of myself. I want to feel more self-worth. Do I just need to push through this? Maybe this is the apex of the grieving and I just have to get through this and I'll be OK?" I forget what T said, but he seemed empathetic. Me: "I just don't want to keep having these bad thoughts in my head. I hate that one person, who isn't a parent or spouse, can affect me so much." T said again that it made sense he affected me in the way he did.


Me: "I know we have to stop. It helped getting all of this out, just talking about it." T glanced at clock and picked up his phone. Confirmed Thursday. T said he'd be in the office Sunday before Christmas, so I took a session then. And scheduled for Thursday after Christmas, too.

Went over to pay. Shook hands as he said, "Have a good few days." Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."