Am I curious about the state of his marriage? Sure, but I'm pretty certain he's not going to tell me if something is going on there, based on how he is about (most other) personal stuff. I think much of this is coming from, he's seemed...different in some way in the past few months. (I tend to pick up on things with people that others might not, which is a very double-edged sword). When I had a similar sense from ex-MC, the stuff was going on with his wife being sick (I mean, she'd had the heart condition the whole time, but it was getting worse). T has mentioned multiple times that the stuff with ex-MC's wife likely contributed to his inconsistency with me. So...I think much of this is kind of me looking out for myself. Like, is something going on with T that's going to lead him to ***** up with me?

I think it's coming more from that place than, say, any sort of romantic feelings, if that's what you're getting at. I think the stuff about ex-MC is very much about ex-MC. It's making me worry about my relationship with T because, well, they've both said some variation on "I'm not going to abandon you" (with T it was "I'm not going anywhere"). If anything, if there are some feelings for my T, it's probably me projecting stuff from ex-MC. Because they are very different people (well, as far as I can tell and from what T has said about "ex-MC is a much nicer person than I am") and very different therapists.

Your comment about my losing control of the relationship is interesting--I'll have to think about that some more. Ex-MC didn't dump me in the sense of forcing my termination, but I think he did dump me emotionally in a way. Which T agrees with. Ex-MC knew what he was going to do and say would hurt me. Like T said yesterday, he knew me and understood me probably better than most anyone ever did in my life. So he knew what would feel like a knife in my heart. And did it anyway.

I feel like current T has a much more consistent level of control over the relationship. Is he maybe a little hazy on boundaries at times? Yes. But nothing at all like ex-MC, who was wildly inconsistent. I didn't include this in the writeup, but I was saying to T yesterday how I kept checking my email for responses from ex-MC this past week, knowing that he often replied on weekends, and if I woke up in the middle of the night, I'd look because he's emailed me at 1 a.m. before. While I know that current T has time boundaries on when he'll reply, so I know he wouldn't write back at 1 a.m. T: "It would have to be a pretty bad night for me to be replying to emails at 1 a.m." (He said at one point, early on in seeing him, that he intentionally doesn't reply to clients after a certain hour--like 9, and often not in evenings at all--because if he did that once, then they'd expect it.)

OK, I'll stop rambling now!