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Echos Myron redux
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Echos Myron redux is vaccinated
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
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Default Dec 19, 2018 at 12:14 PM
 
I sat down and I couldn't really look at him or speak. I told him this is harder than it was in my head. He said would it help if I made direct statements like "I am angry because..." or "What I wanted from you is...". I looked at him. He said "It might not be helpful, I was offering it...".

I said "What is so scary about that song?" He didn't answer. I said "That's not a rhetorical question". He thought for a minute and said he thought the power projected onto the therapist was scary; it's scary to him to have that much power, and that he found the therapist suddenly declaring she would be away for two weeks at the end of the session with no regard to the impact on the client pretty scary.

We talked about what had happened between us. I said how the apology had hurt more because it only came when I finally communicated with him from an adult place. That he had been pissy with me when I was in a more vulnerable child place had reinforced that child part's belief that she is unacceptable. He said that made sense.

He said that he was shaken by how profoundly hurt I was by what he had said. He said he needs to take greater care when he is responding to me, and if he is going to send more than an acknowledgement as a response, he needs to make sure he is in a "therapy headspace". Though I cognitively know that's exactly what he should be doing, part of me didn't like it at all; I felt angry and said in practical terms that meant emailing me less which feels like punishment. He said it didn't mean that. I looked around the room fantasising about pulling all the books of his shelf and upending his table. I think it's a really profound example of how I need him to be a therapist to me, not a friend, yet it hurts that he isn't. I want him to take care when he emails me, yet it hurts that he does. It really speaks to a whole range of conflicting needs and desires going on inside of me.

I said to him "I bet it doesn't feel like a privilege to work with me now" in reference to him saying that it was in the first email he sent me on Monday. He said "I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of it at the moment". I looked at him. I nearly said "I don't know what you're supposed to do" but before I could he said "That's not asking for reassurance, it's just a true statement of how I'm feeling right now.".

We sat in silence for a bit and he said how when we had the email exchange, he thought "what is this?" and "why now?". He said it had quickly gone from him expressing pleasure and enjoyment in working with me, to profoundly hurting me. He said he felt like it wasn't a coincidence that this happened on the anniversary, and we talked about the depth of the work recently, and my fear of my own potency. He said it might be useful to focus on the bigger picture of what this is and why we have had similar ruptures like this through the years (he added this was him being a bit of a better therapist).
The potency discussion was really interesting actually, talking about me fearing him being scared of me, and how we both experience fear and enjoyment around the way we impact on each other sometimes.

I said I didn't fully buy his explanation of what he found scary in the song, and I think some of it is to do with the facebook stuff. He said on some level it might be, and that does fit with his process.
I said my sense is that he has never experienced idealising transference in the way I do, but sometimes I feel like he experiences it with me, and he is in it with me. Like we are going through it together, so it is jarring when I feel like he doesn't understand. He said he sometimes feels very connected to my experience in session, and thinks he does know a little of the pain I go through, but it's not all the time. He added that I was right, he hasn't experienced the kind of transference I go through. He paused and said "I had some pretty intense feelings towards my first therapist, but not on the level you experience".

I said I didn't want to forget about the intense rage I felt earlier, and I told him about fantasising about wrecking his room. He said "and you could have" I said "I never would." and he said "I'm quite glad - I wouldn't like that. But you could've". I said
Possible trigger:
and he nodded knowingly and said rage is an emotion which is supposed to always go outwards. When it goes inwards that tells of a great deal of pain.

We talked again about feeling unacceptable. He said he is not aware of finding any part of me unacceptable. He said that it is possible that I could remind him of parts of himself he has not yet accepted about himself, and that's happened a couple of times in the past and he has to work through that, but...and he said clearly "I am not aware, Echos, of finding any part of you unacceptable at all". He said "We have come too far for me to give you a simple answer, I feel like I owe you the truth [about not knowing what could be in his unconscious]." I was quiet. He asked me if I believed him. I thought for a minute and said "yes".

As we reached the end I said "I love you" and he looked at me, smiled, sighed and said "I know.". [then he got frozen in carbonite - kidding].

He said "I'm not sure if you'll want it....but I have a Christmas card for you" and he handed it to me. I was really happy and touched. He has never given me a card before. He said it wasn't related to the rupture, that he had decided to give me a Christmas card in summer. I said "You're not sure if I'll want it?!" he said "you said you might not be here!"

We stood up and hugged for a long time. He said "you are really hot!" (as in temperature of course!) I said I am a warm person, I always seem to radiate heat. We had a jokey conversation as I walked to the door about thermostat wars between spouses. He seemed to be able to relate to that.

We said goodbye and see you next year and I left.

His card says
"Echos,
Wishing you a happy and peaceful Christmas. I look forward to continuing our work together in 2019.
Warm wishes, T."
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