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Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211
I am not sure if this post should belong here or on another thread. I do not want to offend anyone. Has anyone here dealt with the death of an abusive parent?
I am dealing with this currently and it's very confusing and painful. I am further alienated by my dysfunctional family. Over time, they decided to re-write history and speak only of our father as though he were a saint. He was not. He was often cruel; emotionally and verbally abusive of my mother, my siblings, and myself. I lived on the end of his rage (as did my family) until I moved out. I was scared of him until the day he died.
Now that he's gone, I am not sure how to think or feel. I want to respect my family members' own feelings. So when they talk about how much they miss him and what a wonderful man he was, I keep my own thoughts to myself and simply provide messages of comfort. Which seems to be working for them but I feel very alone with my complex reaction. He was not a good father but my family seems to think that abuse only means intense physical or sexual assault. I do not agree. My therapist, back when I was still in therapy, agreed that my father was a very abusive parent and husband.
I do not miss him. But there is a lot of pressure in society to feel obligation to our parents regardless of how they treat(ed) us. And yet, I agree with a person who said "Remember that you do not have a familial obligation to be victimized."
Any thoughts folks?
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my grandmother died in a nursing home at the age of 96.
she had severe dimentia at the time, and my family (mom and sister), wouldn't let me contact her in her final years- if I did, the home was instructed to hang up on me and then call the police.
in that sense I did feel a sense of loss- because their was stuff I did want to say to her, stuff I did want to tell her before she went.
I wasn't allowed to be part of the funeral either, I was told " she wouldn't want you their."
on the other hand though, it was really hard for me to feel deep emotion (I mean really deep), because she was extremely abusive when she was living- and actually followed in the footsteps of my mother.. mother abused me, so she abused me too
I didn't properly greev, because as selfish as it sounds, their was nothing really to greeve over- sure I would have liked to tell her stuff and to see her one more time, but I didn't actually miss her (I still don't)
it was the same with my grandfather, I never got to say goodbye to him and I would have liked to see him one moere time, but again when he went, I wasn't so emotional- because once again, he showed a lot of abusive qualities.
I dread when my mother dies. secretly I dread it- I don't know whhy, she's a *****
I think because I've tried so hard to make things right with her and she just doesn't want that- and when she goes I'll somehow feel like I've failed, even though it's not me who's in the wrong.
if i'm making sense..