T yesterday. As I walked by him, he said, "Hi there!" Me: "Hi." Went back and sat down (he was actually wearing his ring this time). T: "So I saw you heard back from ex-MC." Me: "Yes. When I wrote to you to let you know, I kept almost including these other comments about the email, but then I realized that it would suggest that I wanted you to reply about them. So I left those out." T smiled. Me: "See, I'm getting it, right?" T: "Yes you are!" Me: "And I'm applying it to communication with other people, too, I think." T: "Good! So how are you feeling about the email?"

Me: "I don't know. I expected to have more of a reaction to it than I did. I mean, I teared up for a few seconds, and I thought maybe it was partly because I had to keep myself together, because H was working from home and I was meeting my dad for Christmas shopping in an hour. But it's not like I got emotional later, either. And in the past, I'd have had more of a reaction." T: "What do you think is behind it?" Me: "I don't know. I mean, his response was in the middle. Like between what I wanted, which would be a true apology, like 'I'm sorry I hurt you.' And it wasn't the other extreme, which would have been cutting me off, telling me no more contact. So it's not like I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy or that I feel really hurt." T: "So, it's like he gave you vanilla, you asked for ice cream and he gave you vanilla." Me: "Well, except I like vanilla ice cream." T: "OK, bad comparison. Then he gave you Neapolitan." (the kind where it's 1/3 vanilla, 1/3 chocolate, and 1/3 strawberry) Me: "Yeah, OK."

I glanced at the email from ex-MC that I'd printed out. "Hey, with the Neopolitan thing, that kinda fits, because part talked about me, part you, and part H, so like the three different flavors." T: "I'm not sure I want to know which flavor I'd be!" Me: "Probably not! And like, is it good strawberry with pieces of actual strawberries, or the fake strawberry?"

We got back to the email. I said how in mentioning H twice in the end, it was like he was trying to shift focus off of me. T: "Like he was being careful to assert boundaries." Me: "Yeah. Like it wasn't 'I enjoyed and valued working with you.' It was, 'I enjoyed and valued working with you and H.' Which feels different."

Me: "And he put a lot of emphasis on my seeing you, like he said the thing about it being a sign of strength I stuck with you." T: "He was probably trying to be positive and focus on where you are now." Me: "Yeah, but I wonder what he'd have said if I'd decided to switch T's?" T: "He probably would have said that he hoped the new T would work out for you." Me: "True. Or what if I'd decided to stop therapy and try, say, meditation? He would have said that was good, too?" T: "Probably." Me: "What about if I said I was switching to Scientology?" T: "That I don't think he'd be positive about!"

I said I wondered if this email could possibly be what I needed to get to the acceptance stage. Like a last-ditch effort to see if he'd truly apologize. T: "Could be." Me: "And when I got his response...I mean, it was nice enough, I guess. But I also didn't really get the 'fix' from it like we'd talked about last time." T: "You didn't? That's interesting." Me: "Yeah...and I feel like my not getting that would make me more reluctant to email him again, at least not anytime soon." T: "Until maybe you're feeling vulnerable again." Me: "I don't know, I still may not want to. I feel like I should take him off my mental list of supports." T: "I wouldn't do anything to shorten that list." Me: "Yeah, I guess maybe just move him much further down it." T: "Yes."

I think I said something about putting ex-MC behind me. T said with people who are securely attached (as in, not me!), they can hold another person's feelings with them and don't need the person there. And they can also hold stuff from past interactions with people, too. Like they can recall that they had that connection with someone, value it, and trust that they can feel it again with someone else. He said he hopes I could get to that place with ex-MC. I said I wished I could get there, too, to the point where I could fondly remember positive interactions between us, but I'm not there yet. And that I wanted to be able to feel good about the positive stuff and how the relationship really meant something to me and was healing to me at times, without having to feel that it was tainted by the ending. T said he hopes for the same.

We had maybe 15 minutes left. I said I wanted to address a conversation I'd had with H Monday about ex-MC. I said how I'd already shared my email to ex-MC with H, and Monday evening, I was telling him how I'd spent the whole session on ex-MC stuff, how stuff with him had been weighing on my mind, and I was sorry if I'd been kind of distracted the past week or so. I said I hoped he was OK with it, and H had said, "Well, it does bother me a bit that you're upset about not getting an email back from another man." T: "Oh!"

I told T I wasn't sure how to respond to that. (T and I had talked in the past some about how the ex-MC stuff was probably difficult for H.) Me: "Yeah, I'm not sure how to explain my feelings for him." T: "I'm not sure *you* even fully understand those feelings." Me: "Yeah..." T: "So that makes it difficult to explain to H." Me: "I want to explain how much of it is transference, like stuff from my past and my parents, it's a different sort of love. But I don't know that he understands."

T: "Well, you may have to put it in Man Speak for him." Me: "Uh, OK. Could you maybe help me with that, since, you know, you're a man?" T closed his eyes for a moment, thinking (he does that often). T: "OK, I'd suggest saying something like this. 'I understand your concern about ex-MC. But I want you to know that I don't love him. I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to be married to him. The feelings I get from him, they're from something I didn't get from my parents. So it's more about that.'" Me: "OK, I think I just worry he'll wonder why I can't get those things from him." T: "Well, the stuff you missed from your parents is different. Like, wanting them to accept you, to be proud of you." Me: "Yeah, while I guess a spouse is more of a reciprocal relationship." T: "Exactly." Me: "Maybe I'll see if there's a good time to talk to him about it..." T: "see how it goes."

Me: "I guess I also worry that...does he think of every male in my life as 'another man'? Like, does he think of you that way? If I tell him something funny you said, is he thinking, 'She's telling me that another man made her laugh.' As opposed to if it was something ex-t had said, because she's female?" T: "Well, you could always just ask him." Me: "I'm kind of afraid to. I mean, I talk about stuff from session sometimes because I feel like I want to be open with him. And I feel like, if I'm not sharing something I would have otherwise shared, like a joke, then why am I hiding it? Like he talks about his coworkers, some of whom are female, and a couple I know who are attractive. But I mean, I don't have coworkers now, so."

T: "Well, you could use the same Man Speak thing here. You could tell him, 'I don't feel anything at all for Dr. T.'" I couldn't look at him when he was saying that or for a bit after. Because he knows that's not entirely true. Like, he knows I find him to be attractive (I've told him). And I've told him before that I care about him and have a bit of platonic love feelings. (Of course it's nowhere near the level that things were with ex-MC--that was astronomical and overly complicated because of all the paternal transference stuff mixed in, which I don't have with T. T doesn't hit my receptors the same way ex-MC did, and I don't think he ever could.) But no way was I opening up that can of worms with 3 minutes left. And he was just talking about what to say to H. So I just said, "OK."

Talked another minute or two and was time to stop. He asked if I could come in at 9:30 instead of 11:30 Sunday, I said was fine. He said I could bring along a caffeinated beverage, and I said I likely would. He said of course he'd have his coffee. Confirmed next Thursday.

Went over and paid. He stood up and walked around his chair toward me. He usually stays sitting, and I thought he'd forgotten the handshake. He held out his hand, and we shook hands as he said,"Have a good...what day is it? a good few days." Me: "thanks, you too." T: "I'll see you Sunday." Me: "OK." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."