AaRrGgHh ... !!!

So, yesterday afternoon I was in a poker tournament at a local establishment, one where most of us meet to play, enjoy each others company and just have a little fun playing for free while honing our luck and skills ... There were a couple of guys there that were not very nice - dirty jokes demeaning to women and gays, hyper-critical that this particular place didn't live up to the expectations of another place they play at, etc. ... Anway, I had made a couple of honest mistakes (out of ignorance) and they were all up in my @#$%! about it wanting the dealers and game director to penalize me to the max (ie. take away the gains I'd made) even though I'd made an honest mistake.

Well, finally I exploded and told them that this wasn't the G*dD*mned WSOP and I didn't appreciate them trying to F me up the A when I'd made an honest mistake out of my stupidity - (Oh how I wish I'd've chosen the word ignorance instead of that word!) - during what's supposed to be free and fun poker.

The dealer and tourney director did side with me on both counts and didn't penalize me my chips this time since I wasn't aware. They also asked me to take a breather during the break and try to get my anger in check because it was a bit over the top - which is exactly what happens when we get triggered sometimes, which isn't an excuse, mind you; but neither can we dismiss cause and effect (ie. a couple of bullies acting like jerks), because when we do get triggered it isn't just what is happening right now, but also opens that dark pit to all the past stuff that's just exactly like what is happening now and suddenly you find yourself in an emotional free-fall, with little or no control over your reaction - even while knowing intellectually that the reaction is totally out of proportion to what is happening right now.

And, now, a day later? ... Well, I'm feeling much embarrassment and shame even though I did apologize to the dealer and the tourney director for losing my cool like that.

It is so out of character for me, and coming out of the blue like that, I'm sure other players were like what the hell was that all about and where the hell did all that anger come from ... Which is what's so sad about people who have C-PTSD and regular PTSD ... Unfortunately, we suffer the consequences and pay the price if things go too far out of line once we're triggered, up to and including getting into trouble with the law - but fortunately that hasn't happened to me yet, and I hope it never does because I do my best to avoid situations I know are triggers for me, but it saddens me that I can be having fun in what I consider to be a relatively safe situation and all the sudden it goes south like that, and well ... I almost feel like that incredible HULK character and a Doctor Jekyll & Mr. Hyde ... Needless to say, I don't like that ugly part of me when it comes out, even when and if I can't help it.