T,
You let me down again, today. We have our moments when things are good and I feel cared for and connected, but those are few and far between. I think today was the nail in the coffin today, I give up on our therapy ever being productive. I try to tell you with words, instead of show you through unhealthy actions, how miserable I am, and I feel like you ignore my words. I repeatedly, day after day, wrote to you in my journal that I want to die, and it feels like you ignored that entirely. Well...you always ignore that entirely. Maybe that’s because I haven’t ever revealed the extent of my current ideation. I just don’t want to be involuntarily hospitalized. I used to talk about my suicidal thoughts all of the time with S, and she’d make them go away. But when you ignore them, they just continue to grow. Honestly, I don’t even feel inclined to share anything with you anymore, because when I share, it never gets me what I need. You make me miss S so much. Your advice today was crap. I told you I want to die and you come back with telling me to listen to motivational podcasts?? And you don’t even have any to suggest...I tell you my ex contacted me on Christmas to “be friends again” and you have absolutely nothing to offer regarding that. I feel so alone in life. You know that. I don’t think you know how much you contribute to that. I guess I just have to deal with this until summer. I assume I’ll be leaving the program then and finding a new T. I feel fine with that at the moment. I have determined today that letting you in and letting my walls down is never going to be worth it. You can’t help me like S could. You remind me way too much of M, sometimes, and we both know how my therapy with her worked out...I tried to tell you how I feel and you don’t seem to care. All I have left to do is to show you. I’m done trying to prevent self-harm. If I need it, I’m going to do it. I have to. I have no better emotional release. Skills stop working when you realize there is no getting better. Skills aren’t supposed to make me feel better, so what is? It used to be sessions. Now I just leave session unsatisfied the large majority of the time, feeling like my needs haven’t been met. And it hurt me when we talked about this once and you said that I have had a problem with every T that I’ve seen, except S. That’s so far from the truth. The only one that I saw for any period of time longer than a month/trial period and didn’t like was M. It feels like you’re blaming me for our therapy not working. You’re probably right to, though, I’m the one building the wall between us. But maybe that wall is a good thing...that’s what I’m starting to see today...
I could write to you all day...but I don’t think you’d ever really hear me...