Looks like i have done it again

accepting someone and letting them in, trust
Friends

yet i have now destroyed it? And i don't even understand what i did to cause this

i didn't do anything to her that i can see... besides struggling with my internal war, tried so desperately hard to keep it at bay as to not affect her and friendship i was trying to build

All i know.. (remember) is that she yelled at me and accused me of bbeing upset with her when what i was (and am) struggling with was nothing to do with her or us.. but my life, future, stress... having no car, losing jobs, no home, no family support, no friends, and then for her to yell at me in that state i tried to defend myself like everyone seemed to be trying to tell me i need to learn to do.
To stand up for myself. I dont remember what i said but i feel like i know the jist of my point i wanted to convey...
That i was fine and trying to deal with extreme stress and that it involved her in no way!

I cant handle yelling even when its not directed at me, but for someone that i started to feel close to and genuinely trust to do that to me i lost it (it happened with jer probably 3 or 4 times)

This last time seemingly being the last as she has been extremely nasty to me and now has stopped the minute amount of communication that we did have (even though i was living there)

So now i am feeling distressed and very confused as i dont know whats wrong with me or what i do wrong to make people hate me as i am very nice, kind, and giving.. offering to do many trivial things always.. such as opening doors, getting refreshments or food, cleaning, recreational things, and always avoid talking about drama or any problems on my mind as i want the time anyone spends with me to be enjoyable so they will continue to want my company.
I give, and give, and give...

She said she lost respect for me.
Now my trust for her is completely broken and having splitting effects severely confused on her person, what she wanted from me, if she just was using me like everyone always does only to throw me out when they're sick of my pain that i try desperately to hide behind smiles and good deeds

i hate people so much
i hate this planet so much

i just want to find a way to make alot of money and isolate myself from everyone as i dont want to do this any more

My paradigm keeps flipping all around causing severe perspective changesand i dont know what to do

i just want it to stop
i just want those feelings and desires and thoughts to die, cease, and let me become a cold heartless loner that doesnt care about anyone but myself

but i seemingly have never cared about myself and only ever cared about other peoples thoughts and feelings as i can concrete myself and identity within others that dont have such a chaotic and non solid life

what am i doing here? I dont understand how i am feeling.
I dont k ow what to do, why can't i just shut this all down...

I cant cry, have not cried over losing her, as i feel like i didnt do anything wrong this time..


I feel so meloncholic.
Nothing matters... laugh, cry, numb, sad, happy. These things are not real or tangible...
The only thing that matters is security... i need a world of space and lots of money...