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jagette12
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Member Since: May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 4
5 yr Member
Default Dec 26, 2018 at 02:54 PM
 
I started dating a single dad about a year ago and I was immediately drawn to his warmth and ability to communicate. It was both of our first serious relationship post divorce and we're both fairly amicable with our exes. He and his ex-wife have a son, 9, and a daughter, 6. My ex-husband and I don't have any kids but share our ten year old dog (not in any sort of legal arrangement but just because we each both want to get to spend time with him!).

Early on in our relationship, my boyfriend conveyed that his son can be difficult. He insisted that his son is "just wired that way" and that he's a very intense kid and there's nothing to do to change that. His son craves constant attention, whines when he doesn't get it, and is frequently disrespectful. He'll run and jump around on the couch, and when my boyfriend calmly tells him to stop he'll sometimes just do it even more. If my boyfriend tells him to go to his room, he'll sometimes just follow him around instead of do as he's told. When he tells him he's had enough treats, he'll take the bag away and his son will grab it back. My boyfriend considers these behaviors as small and not affecting the broader picture of his children living full, happy lives. Is he right? Is this just a phase or do you all see it worsening as he becomes a teenager? I've witnessed his son acting like this in front of his ex-wife as well so it's not just something my boyfriend deals with. He claims his son is very immature for his age, yet he's frequently allowed to sleep in his bed (and his ex allows this as well) and even helps him bathe himself because he claims he can't do it properly on his own. How will his son mature if he's not allowed to make mistakes on his own and be independent?

Other things have come up that have been really shocking to me. In addition to essentially letting the kids dictate their diets most of the time, his son refuses to take vitamins or eat vegetables and my boyfriend doesn't make him. The worst for me was discovering that his son "might" have a nut allergy but explained to me that his son doesn't like needles and doesn't want to get the allergy test done. Why would be put his son's preference over his safety and health? This just seemed really dysfunctional to me.

When I recently learned that his son's behavior is only an issue at home and never at school, I started to question how my boyfriend can really consider this behavior to be "wired." His teachers love him! I know my boyfriend has sought help through family therapists in the past, but nothing has been addressed post divorce aside from his son seeing a school counselor. Since his son is so well behaved in school, it's hard for the school counselor to address any issues.

Is this common for a kid to take advantage of the parents this way? I never would have talked back or disrespected my parents like this and it's something none of my friends or coworkers who are parents experience on this level. They didn't need to be strict with me and my sister; we just understood that we needed to listen to them. How much of this is truly "wired" versus being related to the parenting? His daughter is well behaved although lately has been picking up on some of her brother's bad behavior (probably because she knows she can get away with it).

The realities of my boyfriend's relationship with his son have made me question several times whether this is just not the right relationship for me. He's a wonderful man in so many ways, but I don't know how to build a future with his family. I'm not one to sit in silence while his son misbehaves, and my boyfriend is fine with me telling his son if I don't agree with his behavior and even went as far as saying "he'll probably listen to you more than he listens to me." I told him that's not okay with me and that his son needs to learn to listen to him and his ex first.

His son, thankfully, is an affectionate and creative kid, and strangely very much a rule follower outside of the home. Those qualities don't diminish his bad behavior enough for me to stay. He says he's accepted his son's behavior "as his reality," but I recently told him I do not accept it as mine. I also understand that the past two years have been hard for him and the kids with him moving out and sharing custody. I've encouraged him to seek therapy or talk to a parenting coach, but he insists it won't help. We both feel we are at a crossroads because I don't think he's willing to make changes in how he parents. Are we doomed unless he makes changes, or am I being overly critical? In my experience, his son's behavior is totally unacceptable and not something any one I know deals with regularly, so I don't have anyone to ask about this.
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