I have it too. Xmas is the worst time of the year for me. I don't even remember yesterday. Today I've meditated almost 4 hours and walked 5 miles, and I'm in a condition where I can at least verbalize how I'm feeling and have been feeling...not feeling good, but I can describe it, and there's nothing I've ever been able to do about it except wait for it to go away until next time xmas rolls around.


The way I feel I liken to the violence of a roll-over car accident. Every Xmas I have to get back in that car and go for that damn ride and wait for the roll-over. I'm not driving sometimes, but sometimes it might even be me who is doing the driving. No idea where the car is going, I just have to be in it and the roll-over happens no matter how much I wish the car could stay on the road. And I didn't see my family and never do on xmas any more, but I still have to get in that imaginary car.

Imagine once a year you have to get in a car that is going to be in a violent crash and you can't say no, you have to get in the car, there is no excuse to get out of it...

Right now I literally feel like I was in a roll-over a few hours ago and I'm incredulous that I got out of the wreck alive...

Oh and if I had been in a wreck, I could bring people to the junk yard and show them the wreck I survived...but with a family, there's no concrete evidence like this. More than likely you try to get help and the family member will say, "I know your mother, and she wouldn't do that!"