MrWalker, have you ever tried to attend a ALCOA meeting? They can be helpful in that people with stories like yours have meetings and it's about dealing with the certain loss when growing up with a parent or parents who were alcoholics.

Growing up with a parent who is an alcoholic is confusing for any child. Children do not know what alcoholism is but they certainly feel the affects the alcohol has on the parent in that the parent is so unpredictable and children see the parent get very drunk and even pass out. Children who are raised by alcoholics are being taught unknowingly to be codependents. Also, while you know it's not your fault that your father died, it's pretty normal to wish you could have been there to save him.