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Old 12-27-2018, 07:27 AM
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Default Re: What Would You Do?

Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
She was homeless for a day or two. Finally came home and talked about how badly she hated herself and wanted to harm herself. I had my husband take her to the psyche er. I couldnt bear it. I told her if she was serious she had to tell them these things. I told her I loved her, I adored her and would give my life for her but I didnt know if I could take anymore pain. She was 18 now and we cant speak for her. I told my husband after she got taken in the back to say goodbye until they placed her in a good hospital.

She got placed and fought tooth and nail that she had any addiction issues, even during our family sessions. LOOONNG story so I apologize. Short version is she got most of her school work done, went to Florida for rehab, came back to NJ and stayed in the rehab sponsored housing. She moved into a sober home that we helped her get into and she finally has a job but can barely afford food. I personally think she needs to stop thinking about dating but she is 18 so that thought is not far from her mind.

Since she came back into our lives its like we have to learn who she is. Who was the Becca that we knew? Who is the one we know now? Can she be trusted? We let her have the car back because if she cant get to work, she cant pay her weekly rent and none of us think she has plans of living here and we do not want her too at this point. Like it or not she developed independence even if it was bad at the start. Answering to a sober house and passing drug tests is fine, telling mom what time she will be home is a whole different game.
if I could find the right words to describe the pain of brokenness and regret that I feel for her I would. That distinct pain of knowing you f**ked up and you have no one to blame but yourself which makes it sooo much worse. I just cant describe it properly. Thank god the school was on her team because she actually earned her diploma on 12/3 but she was pushing it. To say I was broken is an understatement, and to say that I know who she is now is a lie. I dont know. I know what I want to believe. I feel like the rest of us have ptsd because of the havoc and chaos. We started seeing a family counselor right after she left and now my youngest sees her exclusively.
I am so afraid to be relaxed. I am so afraid of failure. I blame myself. I do not think i would survive that kind of pain again (and stay sober too?).
I am so sorry to have hijacked your thread. It just came bursting out and turned rather cathartic. My long winded point is that I can identify with you and your son and I hope you can with me and my daughter.
Don't feel like you hijacked the thread. It is so painful not seeing our children live up to the potential that we and everyone else thought they had. Both our children are still young (my son is 23) so perhaps there is still hope for them. Though we can't help them if they won't help themselves or at least admit to needing some kind of help--we WILL be ready to help them when they let us.

The fact that my husband and I are finally working together more on this is an improvement though the discussions are painful and do cause discord but we have been coming together eventually. I recognize that I can't help my son alone on this. I am just too gullible. He charms the [email protected]@@ out of me. I get weak.

I will pray for you and your daughter. One thing I have trouble with is realizing that I have to put the onus on others. Once they are eighteen, if they don't want help--there is only so much you can do. I am just trying to take care of myself so that I am stable enough to help. Please take care of yourself too and post on this thread anytime you want. It is hard to talk about these things because our wayward (or mentally ill?) children and society blames us and we blame ourselves too! Try not to fear failure (though I admit my mind travels to the worst case scenario all of the time which is also bad for my entire family); they might need to fail in order to learn. My T says that in her experience--situations like mine do not change until people hit rock bottom letting them fail is their only hope.
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