So I've been approached recently by a woman on OKC who is interested in me but also into BDSM. She seems intelligent and attractive but her descriptions of what she's into are leaving me very confused and uncertain regarding what to do next. I've been ignoring her up till now but feel it would be polite to respond but have no idea how to respond. Sorry this may be a bit long.

Up till now I have had no experience of BDSM of any sort. Obviously I know what it is, in theory, and have been trying to read more about it, but much of what I have seen and read mostly scares me, and to be honest some of it also horrifies me. This is not meant to disrespect the validity of BDSM for those who are into it, I know it's meant to be consensual and so on (when done 'right') and many people find it erotic and for them it is a valid form of sexuality. I'm just trying to work out what it means for me, if anything.

The main problem is this; as someone with a history of childhood trauma and abuse I can't stand the thought of inflicting any sort of pain or humiliation on another human being, consensual or not, that doesn't even come into it. Neither could I 'dominate' someone, I am a quiet, gentle person, I can't even raise my voice to others without feeling guilty or bad. However that doesn't mean I'd be suited to being 'submissive' though either; I could not trust another person enough to allow them to dominate or control me, and the idea of someone causing me pain turns my knees to jelly (and not in a nice way). I have also come across BDSM in porn on occasion and always tend to skip those ones; some of it is horrible and demeaning towards the women involved (almost always by men) and as a woman-loving male with strong feminist sympathies I can see where the perspective that argues at least some aspects of BDSM can be seen as thinly veiled patriarchy is coming from. Here's one article I read from this perspective:

BDSM is Violence Against Women

However in my reading (and also here) I have come across different viewpoints that argue that BDSM can in fact also be empowering for women and indeed this seems to be the view of my OKC acquaintance. I found this article from this standpoint very interesting and well reasoned and it did make me question some of my assumptions:

BDSM And Feminism: "Stop Telling Me What I'm Supposed To Like, D*mn It."

And here is one author arguing from both angles:

THINKING KINK: DOES FEMALE SUBMISSION MEAN OPPRESSION? (sorry this stie keeps messing up the url name it's https://www.b i t c hmedia.org/post/thinking-kink-female-submissives-BDSM-feminist-magazine-sex-consent - take out the spaces)

I do like the idea of play within sex, but for me the best sex is tender, slow and where there is play it is gentle, funny and loving. Where I can see some of that fitting certain aspects of BDSM would be in the more aesthetic aspects of things like Kinbaku-bi, which can be quite beautiful from images I have seen. But as you can see I'm hopelessly confused, please enlighten me.