Thank you MickeyCheeky! Your messages are like a breath of fresh air I love your "energy" if that makes sense to you. This world is a brighter place because you are here

This is just an ongoing family tragedy and I am debating more and more whether to stop communicating with my family entirely. If this creates a clearer picture: 9 out of 10 family gatherings turn into screaming matches with everyone competing to see who can hurt the other the most with insults and accusations. My siblings all turn on each other because they grew up surrounded by aggression and fear so they never learned to trust and support each other the way siblings should.

As for me, I actively chose a peaceful life and part of that was accomplished by moving far away. I don't want to fight with anyone so I stopped going home a long time ago. The negativity is so strong though that I still feel"wobbly" and/or depressed after even just one phone call from them or a few texts from certain people. My brother is a heartbreaking carbon copy of our father plus alcoholism added to the mix: abuses his wife and child during fits of rage. When he's not full of rage/drunk, he puts all of his energy into denigrating them...snide sneering comments...it's like having my father in the room even though he's dead.

I certainly have met some wonderful people since I moved away, thank you. Including my significant other: a loving and peaceful man. He thinks I need more space from my family but also thinks zero contact will make me feel worse. The guilt kicks in quickly when I've tried zero contact in the past. So a middle ground? I don't know how to do that. I rarely see them in person but even the calls and texts, more often than not, leave me feeling like that scared little girl again who had to shut down and self-erase just to survive in that horrible house.

There is surely an answer to this. I will find it. And the thoughtful replies of you PC folks help. Thank you very much.