I'm sorry you are experiencing so much difficulty weaning yourself off of your antidepressant. I know, from reading posts here on PC, there are many members who've had experience with weaning off of antidepressants. Hopefully some will yet see your post & reply.

I've weaned myself off of antidepressants (& a couple of other psych med's) a number of times over the years. Sometimes it was with the help of my prescriber... sometimes not. However I've never really experienced any particular difficulty doing so. I know this is not always the case though. Here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, that discuss coming off psych med's:

What is Discontinuation Syndrome?

SSRI Discontinuation or Withdrawal Syndrome

Discontinuing Psychiatric Medications: What You Need to Know

When Should I Come Off My Antidepressant? 6 Things to Consider