My Support Forums - View Single Post - BDSM/C-PTSD

amandalouise · Dec 28, 2018 at 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carmina

So I've been approached recently by a woman on OKC who is interested in me but also into BDSM. She seems intelligent and attractive but her descriptions of what she's into are leaving me very confused and uncertain regarding what to do next. I've been ignoring her up till now but feel it would be polite to respond but have no idea how to respond. Sorry this may be a bit long.

Up till now I have had no experience of BDSM of any sort. Obviously I know what it is, in theory, and have been trying to read more about it, but much of what I have seen and read mostly scares me, and to be honest some of it also horrifies me. This is not meant to disrespect the validity of BDSM for those who are into it, I know it's meant to be consensual and so on (when done 'right') and many people find it erotic and for them it is a valid form of sexuality. I'm just trying to work out what it means for me, if anything.

The main problem is this; as someone with a history of childhood trauma and abuse I can't stand the thought of inflicting any sort of pain or humiliation on another human being, consensual or not, that doesn't even come into it. Neither could I 'dominate' someone, I am a quiet, gentle person, I can't even raise my voice to others without feeling guilty or bad. However that doesn't mean I'd be suited to being 'submissive' though either; I could not trust another person enough to allow them to dominate or control me, and the idea of someone causing me pain turns my knees to jelly (and not in a nice way). I have also come across BDSM in porn on occasion and always tend to skip those ones; some of it is horrible and demeaning towards the women involved (almost always by men) and as a woman-loving male with strong feminist sympathies I can see where the perspective that argues at least some aspects of BDSM can be seen as thinly veiled patriarchy is coming from. Here's one article I read from this perspective:

BDSM is Violence Against Women

However in my reading (and also here) I have come across different viewpoints that argue that BDSM can in fact also be empowering for women and indeed this seems to be the view of my OKC acquaintance. I found this article from this standpoint very interesting and well reasoned and it did make me questions some of my assumptions:

BDSM And Feminism: "Stop Telling Me What I'm Supposed To Like, D*mn It."

And here is one author arguing from both angles:

THINKING KINK: DOES FEMALE SUBMISSION MEAN OPPRESSION? (sorry this stie keeps messing up the url name it's https://www.b i t c hmedia.org/post/thinking-kink-female-submissives-BDSM-feminist-magazine-sex-consent - take out the spaces)

I do like the idea of play within sex, but for me the best sex is tender, slow and where there is play it is gentle, funny and loving. Where I can see some of that fitting certain aspects of BDSM would be in the more aesthetic aspects of things like Kinbaku-bi, which can be quite beautiful from images I have seen. But as you can see I'm hopelessly confused, please enlighten me.

my opinion... the fact that you are confused says to me you are not ready to engage in this art form/ life style called BDSM.

a person that can safely engage in this is someone that is sure of their self, trusts their own instincts and own judgement and also trusts their partner whether or not they are on the giving or receiving end.

it can be empowering for those that have PTSD categories of disorders because in this a person has and able to stand by their own boundaries, theres rules to this, theres code words. and both parties talk at length why each wants to engage in this, what the goals/ expectations are and both parties work out the playing field of boundaries of what is acceptable to each other and what isnt..

a person who has undergone great sexual trauma didnt have all these options with their abusers. their abusers had total control over them. in BDSM the more dominant one only has the amount of control over the other that the other person allows.

example with my abuser I could not say no. they did what ever they wanted to do with me whether I wanted it or not, with BDSM I set the rules of what can and cant happen with me and my body. there is also a code word that my wife knows means stop no matter what or get arrested for abuse. I trust my wife to not break that boundary and she trusts me to tell her when enough is enough. and vice versa when she is on the receiving end.

this isnt something to enter into if you are confused, scare, unsure of your self and unsure of your partner.

my suggestion since you are confused, scared and you feel you would not be able to do what a person in this sexual art form would ask of you, be honest with the person who wants this of you. let them know you just are not into this kind of thing, tell them what you are comfortable doing with them, then leave the problem in their hands to either accept your boundaries or move on and you both find relationships that you both are comfortable being in.