I posted here but I don't remember anything. Nothing. My short term memory is really good but my long term memory is so terrible. It's fried almost completely. All I remember is a few pictures of the past. I don't remember vacations. Only a few pictures in my head comes to mind. Idk if that's normal.. Maybe it is. I know my dad has a bad memory but that's probably from drinking so much. I think I am this way because I'm in a house most of the time? I need to go outside in nature on acid.

The anhedonia has gotten better but I notice from an outside perspective, I have a really flat affect. I don't participate in conversation like I do when I'm psychotic. Of course, when not properly medicated, I pause in the middle of a sentence for like 10-15 seconds if someone lets me but what I'm saying in those moments are profound enlightened well put together but not very articulated thoughts but it seems like so.

I don't think as much as I do anymore. My cognition feels like it is impaired. It could be because of the Invega.. I want to stop taking it.. But I'll just go psychotic? I think it's worth a try.. I'm willing to give up my disability if I don't get psychosis.. but ****.. I guess I have to be on a low dose of antipsychotic regardless.. But this is too much.. I sit around, feed off of information and then tire out within an hour. I'm surrounded by love and family and they get it.. everyone sees potential in me but I don't know how well I'm going to do starting my anthropology class tomorrow.. I feel scared of everything without confidence.

Idk what those panic attacks were about but I never want them again so it gives me relief that it can be much worse. I can cry when I listen to a good song.. kind of.. but I think too heavy about things as if I have to concentrate on emotion and jinx myself.. It's like I need to change my thinking pattern.. I get songs stuck in my head sometimes so hard that it drives me nuts.. like last night.. I went to bed because I kept looking at circles in everything in letters and the time on my watch, when I look in the mirror, I focus on my pupil from far away like I see my soul. That's when I know I'm going into some sort of psychosis or a panic attack so I took the seroquel and felt better.

I want to be more spiritual and feel good when I listen to music. I've come to the conclusion of just saying "**** it" and going with the flow. Let the pieces of my cognition and memory fall while I walk and don't look behind, just to keep going. At least my brain has developed a lot more since I was 12. But I still feel numb. Scared that there's little information in my outside reality. I need stimulation and creativity.. which the invega kills.. so I take dextroamphetamine.. I can focus on it but I think it kills my creativity even more..

MDMA I will try in the future (When it's legal of course @ mod) 140mg. I've felt the magic. I know what it is. People that do it too much don't feel the magic anymore... they become anhedonic...

So I mean in 2019 no one has payed attention to people with anhedonia because it's rare. Depression isn't rare. But I feel like it's also not just brain chemistry but a product of society... social media, bullying in children.. in the workplace, driving home exhausted from work.. not getting anywhere in life.. bad marriage causing divorce and leaving children confused and then a step-parent comes in and maybe abuses them.. People trying to find meaning in life when in the past it was just about survival.. people getting offended by minor things because it's so easy for the middle class to relax if they can.. idk .. idk .... idk....

So that's my update. Doing better. I think.. I can feel music so that's good.