I wish you all the best! I feel you're on the right path to healing. I hope it works for you. I don't know about the issues you've had here and why people seem to avoid you. I only remember you from the thread about the narcissist disorder. I believe everyone can change if they truly want to.
I also absolutely understand the inclination to self study. I'm the same way.
I wish you good luck on your journey and hope 2019 will be a positive year for you.