Hello YongSun24. I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with intense and confusing thoughts and feelings. You mention a lot of anger. Over the course of my work with people, I have learned that extended periods of anger or sudden outbursts of rage are often expressions of fear. A lot of people in society feel uncomfortable or ashamed to express their fear so it gets suppressed and then grows and grows without help...and then can start to rise up as anger, rage, or hatred. Particularly given that you mentioned a fantasy about killing a man, I ask why are you frightened of men, YongSun? Do you know?

I think it's really important for you to investigate the underlying cause of this anger toward men. Your father was your schema for a man (first representation of a man). What is/was he like? What is/was your relationship with him like? How did your father treat your mother? How does your mother feel about men? Do you have any brothers or significant male role models in your life? Have you experienced any form of abuse from a man or found yourself in an uncomfortable situation with a man?

You mentioned torture fantasies and homicidal ideation (thoughts of killing others). These need to be addressed as soon as possible by a professional: psychologist or psychiatrist. You can ask your local doctor for a referral or speak with a school psychologist.

When a person experiences dangerous fantasies for a long time without professional intervention they are more at risk for acting on the fantasies. A psych provider can help you to learn why you are so angry or fearful about men and how to work through those feelings in healthy and legal ways.

It is important to remember that there is no peace to be found in resenting or hating others. That is not the path to happiness. So if your current path involves hatred, it is really important to figure out how to change paths in order to find your peace and ensure that you don't continue to carry this anger or do something like harming someone which of course is illegal and would result in prison time for you and a path in life that I am sure you do not want.

With regard to men, some are good and some are less than good. This is also true for women. Though being 'less than good' does not justify torture or murder. If someone is harming you, YongSun please tell a safe adult in your life such as a doctor or school psychologist right away. They will help you to find safe ways to deal with that situation.

Have you thought about your relationship with your SELF? Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? Is your inner self-talk mostly positive or negative? Do you feel angry with yourself?

Please take good care of yourself by getting professional help as soon as possible in order to choose light and love over darkness.