Hello needadvicenow: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this. I'm glad you've enrolled in therapy. I do think it may be important for you to attend. Perhaps there is someone who could accompany you at least to your first appointment?

You mentioned having taken Risperdal or Invega for many years but they seem hopelessly disappointing & ineffective. It is true, I believe, that the effectiveness of psych med's can change over time. Perhaps it's time to consider talking to your prescriber about a med change?

You mentioned you're currently diagnosed with major depression but that you have a history of paranoid schizophrenia. I'm not a mental health professional. And so I don't know how those two conditions, either individually or together, might be playing into what you are currently experiencing. I also tend to feel hostile a lot of the time & have a lot of angry intrusive thoughts, imagined conversations & rants going on in my head. I presume a lot of it simply has to do with generalized anxiety which is something I struggle with. In my case I try to simply "sit" with what I experience day-in & day-out. It is a practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

And then here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of coping with such things as painful emotions & intrusive thoughts:

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

8 Tips For Dealing With Painful Emotions | Cultivating Contentment & Happiness

Several Ways to Sit with Your Feelings

A Technique for Feeling Painful Feelings

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...sive-thoughts/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...sive-thoughts/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.