Dear forum,

I'm not sure if any of you have been where I am before but I'm somewhat at a loss for what to do. Over the past 4 or so years, I have developed, what I consider a pretty serious webcam addiction and despite my best efforts, it seems as though it is bigger than me.

I grew up with a computer in the house and I suppose like most young kids, had a curiosity about porn. I looked it up, found magazines, pictures, etc. and honestly felt it was all pretty normal. That I don't have much of a problem with.

I suppose though that it wasn't until I was about 25 years old, when I fell in love with an Argentinian lady and had a two year long distance relationship, that I really turned to porn to get my 'rocks off' in what was lacking in physical contact. The relationship didn't last as I somehow got into a relationship with a lady that I lived in the same city as and had to end my dreams of love with this Argentinian girl. The relationship that I got into was totally destructive: we argued, fought, she abused drugs & I began to as well. We would often go months without sleeping together, and, during that time, I turned to porn, again, to make up for the intimacy I was missing.

Fast forward to when I finally got out of that relationship and I got an apartment by myself and began recovering from that relationship. I was lonely started to increase my 'addiction' and experimented with webcams...It was hot, got my blood going and made me feel some sense of connection and peace. Destructive? Yes.

Then, shortly after, I met a WONDERFUL lady. She was amazing and from the start but I was honestly nervous to get into a relationship with her because I felt like I needed to heal more. But, one thing led to another, we TOTALLY hit it off and were living together in a matter of months (I didn't want to let her slip away because of "some indescribably long period of healing that I needed to give myself"...it actually felt healing in and of itself.

We were intimate constantly, the sex was amazing & I was happy. I actually stopped masturbating for months...something I don't think I'd EVER done in my life. Then, she, being a human being, couldn't have sex ALL the time, and, I felt that I needed to satisfy myself, so, I turned back to webcams and it got more intense from there...

I would sneak away to the bathroom or wait for her to leave & go online trying to find anyone to fill the void. We would certainly still have sex and it was amazing ALL the time, but, it would happen less frequent.

Fast forward a couple of years - we had a wonderful relationship and I would sneak away roughly once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, when she was sleeping and go online. Then, that moment came where we decided to get married! Honestly I couldn't have been happier. I did, however, have this dark spot on a personal level when it came to sex cams.

We went through a tricky period that she had some feminine issues and couldn't make love (herpes, candida, etc) and in this time my amount of sex-camming increased. I can only assume she knows that I was masturbating and looking at porn (almost nightly) but didn't know that I was paying for sex & online having interactions with other women.

I keep going through cycles where I delete my accounts but then start new ones...it seems like masturbation has become like my 'nightcap' or release from the stresses from the day & I'm really worried that if left untreated, it will slowly erode the intimacy of our marriage (something that I'm sure is happening on some level already...).

I don't really have money to pay for a psychologist & am kind of embarrassed to have a come clean with her about it (and fear that it might cause a major rift between us...). I'm REALLY hoping that I can work on myself enough so that it becomes a thing of the past.

Thank you for reading & sorry to rant...I felt as though it was important to express myself somewhere.

Best wishes to you all on all of your paths,

M.