Happy New Year, everyone. This is going to be a bit of an essay but I haven't been here in a minute.

I went into the new year feeling very depressed, and when I'm depressed I get VERY irritable. So I tend to isolate myself because I don't want to snap at anyone. I step back when I find myself getting frustrated. Last year was weird, as usual. I got a job but it's not a great one. I'm in the mental health field. While I understand that not all jobs will be perfect (and everyone keeps telling me that as if I don't know), this one has a lot of issues that I won't go into. Basically, it's tough and the employees aren't protected. We're not part of a union so they're getting away with a lot of things that I know for a FACT are illegal.

Another issue is that I don't want to lose my empathy but this job has made my patience wane thin and it's also proved to me what I truly wanted to do all along with my life. I'm still very young and I can turn things around and I have already started making moves to do so, but still. I'm getting more sensitive, too. Just today I went to take my grandma to the doctor and an employee yelled at me because I misunderstood something she said. I didn't say anything but I got angry and then I started tearing up. I wouldn't have done that before. I'm just so much more sensitive than I was before and I've always been a sensitive person.

I never got the letter clearing me for top surgery from my past therapist, the one who I had to terminate with because I was tired of feeling invalidated and being met with a blank stare in every session. I have a new one who's more empathic but...I don't know. It's tough seeing people getting things easier than you. Don't get me wrong: I'm happy for the trans people out there who have gotten their surgery but it's just hard seeing them happy with their new body and I'm stuck trying to just get a letter.

But I think the real issue is this: I just feel really emotionally lonely. I've always had this deep seated sadness and loneliness and it's getting tiring. I don't know when this feeling will go away. My anxiety holds me back from making new friends and meeting new people but I can't keep using that as an excuse. However, the reality of the situation is that...it really IS holding me back. My anxiety has gotten too high and I'm thinking of telling my doctor. I don't want to be on more medication or a higher dosage but I will have to consider it if it's gotten this bad.

Also, I'm at that age where I'm seeing old classmates getting engaged or married and many people are in or getting into relationships. I've always had a hard time with romance. Again: I truly AM happy for them but it just reminds me of my issues. Just this past summer I had a friend who got into a relationship and now she doesn't even talk to me anymore. I've been trying online dating but it's not working out. I also went to groups and meetups last year but my anxiety got so bad that I stopped. One group even caused me to dissociate. It was triggering.

I just feel depressed and I hate crying but sometimes you have to cry, you know? I really don't mean to sound all "woe is me". I AM trying to get things done and I DO put in a lot of effort. I'm the type of person who works hard to distract themselves from their depression but I'm getting tired.

Anyways, there's my update. Thanks to everyone who read this and I hope you're all doing well. <3