Thank you so so so much skeezyks for your beautiful & helpful reply

you're right... this is a thing that'll continue on going on in my life...

i'm not sure though about seeking professional help, 'cause i had really bad experiences with professionals, that exacerbated my pain... they always kept telling my friend (who sought their advice) to leave me, because i'm a very disturbed person who'd harm myself & him (one even described me as a "tiger"!!! & never tried to come & talk to me, using his "professional" credentials to help a patient!!! )...

solving situations like this is very harmful... just telling my friend to leave me, instead of trying to communicate & support me... even though my friend gains his piece of mind from this, but i'm the one left behind, & has to go through the pain of being rejected as a "horrible" helpless person!!!

besides, i was hospitalized from a suicide attempt that resulted from this intense pain of his rejection & cutting off communication with me... as i'm trying to pay my bills now, i don't think i can afford taking drugs or going to "professional" help (or non-help) anymore... i feel anyway, that they're just a waste of my time & money...

but i don't know now how or from where could i seek help to change myself