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Old 01-09-2019, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by nushi View Post
Thank you so so so much skeezyks for your beautiful & helpful reply

you're right... this is a thing that'll continue on going on in my life...

i'm not sure though about seeking professional help, 'cause i had really bad experiences with professionals, that exacerbated my pain... they always kept telling my friend (who sought their advice) to leave me, because i'm a very disturbed person who'd harm myself & him (one even described me as a "tiger"!!! & never tried to come & talk to me, using his "professional" credentials to help a patient!!! )...

solving situations like this is very harmful... just telling my friend to leave me, instead of trying to communicate & support me... even though my friend gains his piece of mind from this, but i'm the one left behind, & has to go through the pain of being rejected as a "horrible" helpless person!!!

besides, i was hospitalized from a suicide attempt that resulted from this intense pain of his rejection & cutting off communication with me... as i'm trying to pay my bills now, i don't think i can afford taking drugs or going to "professional" help (or non-help) anymore... i feel anyway, that they're just a waste of my time & money...

but i don't know now how or from where could i seek help to change myself
Yes I can understand what you're saying here. I actually don't see a therapist nor am I on any psych med's. I have to say I'm always torn when I suggest to someone, here on PC, that they see a therapist because I've had bad experiences with them too. But then on the other hand I've read posts, here on PC, written by members who said their therapists saved their lives. So I presume there are great therapists out there. I just never happened to find one. Plus, what are the alternatives?

In my case, I just struggle along as best I can day-in & day-out while relying on a few Buddhist-inspired practices I learned from reading the books of the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön, among others. But, then, I'm old. I'm not in school & I don't have a job I need to perform in. So if I'm significantly less than 100% in my level of functioning, it really doesn't matter.

One thing I wondered about, when I read your first post in this thread (& I perhaps shouldn't mention it still since I'm not a mental health professional) was whether or not you've ever been evaluated for Borderline Personality Disorder. As I understand it, one of the characteristics of BPD is a history of failed relationships. And now your comment about some professional saying you're a disturbed person, plus one describing you as a "tiger", makes me wonder all the more about the possibility of BPD as a diagnosis. Of course, since I'm not a mental health professional, that's just a personal observation on my part.

I've never been diagnosed as having BPD. But I once read the book Lost in the Mirror which is about BPD. And based on what I read in that book I thought there may have well been a time, when I was young, that I could have been so diagnosed. I've been told that BPD tends to burn itself out as one ages. And I've certainly done that. (By the way, you mentioned a suicide attempt. I've made 2 major suicide attempts, plus some lesser ones. And I also have a history of self harm.) Under any circumstances, here's a link to the BPD screening test here on PC in case you are interested in taking it:

Borderline Personality Test | Psych Central

Anyway... I digress. (Don't old people just love to yammer on?) I guess what this, perhaps, all comes down to is if you don't or can't trust mental health professionals, but you need help in figuring how to deal with your history of failed relationships & the impact they're having on your educational situation & possibly on your future employment prospects, what do you do? One thing I often see, here on PC, is new members signing in who, it seems, are hoping to find some secret formula or treatment for their mental health concerns that they've somehow not heard of before... something that, if they can just find it, will begin to make everything better. Well... if there is such a secret formula or treatment, I haven't heard of it. There are the various mental health therapies that are on offer & there's psych med's. Plus there are some things people can do such as get plenty of exercise, eat a balanced diet, etc. But, beyond that, I'm not sure what the alternatives are unless one wants to commit oneself to one of the many spiritual paths that are have developed over the centuries, such as the Tibetan Buddhist Lojong practices Pema Chödrön writes about. My personal opinion is that, ultimately, one just has to decide whether or not one is going to do what one has to do to heal or whether one is simply going to tough it out as one is. Those are the choices. When it comes right down to it, it's really a pretty simple choice, to my mind.

By the way, speakng of the various kinds of therapies that are available, individual therapy isn't the only option.There's CBT, DBT & others. DBT was, as I understand it, developed originally to be a treatment for BPD. Anyway those are some additional thoughts with regard to your post. I do hope you will be able to find a pathway forward. I have spent my whole life trying to deny my mental health issues & just stumbling along day-in & day-out. And I'll tell you it often has not been pretty. So please don't follow in my footsteps. They don't lead anywhere you want to go.
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