DISCLAIMER: This is just a long rant. Most of it may seem like a mess, but that’s what it feels, so I guess that’s a bonus. I don’t know what forum this type of thing would go under because I literally have no idea what this is. I just want to know if anyone relates or if anyone knows anything about this just so I have some sort of link to work with, something to look into. Keep in mind that I’m 17, so yeah. That’s that too.

I’m unable to think basically, at least on the spot anyhow or in any social situation. My head feels heavy, full of this thick fog, but it feels like it’s getting worse over time (that could be because the issue is on my mind more though). It’s like there’s a big wall there that I can’t get over, to which whenever the simplest of questions is asked, or even just during any sentence, if I’m trying to remember a word, anything like that, all possible answers jump over this wall, so I have to climb the wall to get over and get to the answer. I then take too long as hiking this wall will take 10 minutes to a few hours at least, so I just look stupid. This is all the time. Heck, I’m struggling to word this thing right now. I feel so dumb. My vocabulary is down the drain because I barely remember majority of it, which is ironic considering I was top of my class for English in Primary School. I find myself repeating phrases as responses to things all the time, including the most common one, “I don’t remember”. I’m told constantly to widen my vocabulary, to stop repeating stuff, to answer questions faster, to not sound like the most stupid person ever, but I can’t, I can’t do it. I’m trying my best, you may not believe me, but the wall is growing taller, the fog is thicker now, my head hurts, I literally can’t. I’m not lazy, I’m not as dumb as my mouth portrays, I do know what I’m talking abut, but I also don’t. I can’t predict what’s going to come out, I don’t know what I’m going to say. In my head I know what I’m going to say, but it comes out so muddled and messed up, I pronounce even the simplest of words wrong because I’m thinking too much over just this one sentence, I’m scared to say the wrong thing, I feel as if I’m going to sound stupid, but by cutting myself off or thinking over what I’m saying as I’m saying I already do, but I can’t help it, it’s not me, I can’t stop it. It’s ironic how overthinking everything I say is an issue as well as never being able to think at all. Very ironic. I either just can’t think at all or I think too much, there’s no in between, and either way I make a fool of myself. Because of the fog my memory is also the absolute worst. But I’m also struggling to keep promises, to remain motivated to do literally anything, to care about anything going on or anyone besides like 1 person, as I said I’m struggling to just think at all, I’m struggling to focus obviously because how can you with the fog in the way all the time, I’m just struggling, simple as that. I can barely communicate. I can’t get a job because of this. I just seem stupid all the time. I feel so stupid. My grades in school last year dipped because when it came to the tests, the fog, the memory, the overthinking, etc. I failed math. I’m lucky I got the credits for math still or this year and next year would be doomed. Where did the fog even come from? Why so sudden? Why when everything was going my way, for once? I just got over the worst phase of depression I’ve had my whole life, I got into my first relationship, all I needed to battle was my anxiety then I was sorted. SORTED. But nooo, now I’m an idiot. My head issues is also annoying my partner bit by bit. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ll lose him if I don’t do anything, but I don’t know what I can do. I don’t even know where this came from. Google hasn’t helped. I’ve been searching for an answer since March last year. This started around October 2017. I’m in Grade 12 this year. If I fail any subjects this year I’m done. I’d not only have to repeat, but my future is pretty much stuffed. I’d probably lose my partner too as he’d actually want to proceed in his life with someone who’s successful, not with the head as empty as a black hole or the deep ocean. I just want to know where this is from or what it’s linked to so I can get help for it. I can’t if I have no idea what any links could be. I know anxiety and depression can cause some sort of memory loss or struggles to think, but I’m positive it can’t be to this degree, not to the point where it’s like my IQ is past 0, not like I’m a robot or a zombie quite literally.

I’m not posting this long rant to be diagnosed or anything, but just for some sort of idea of a link or just anyone who relates who may have something which I can then look towards. I want to talk to someone professionally this year anyway, but I need some sort of link. I just want something to look into. I know it’s not a diet thing or to do with hydration or sleep because surely something else would’ve happened too after a year of the same symptoms, and I’ve tried improving those. I haven’t found anything that helps me think either. I’m lucky if I get to say a few sentences every few days that didn’t hide behind too much fog and allowed me to catch them, and usually it’s at random times, there’s no pattern. The fog is just constant the rest of the time, it’s very thick, it’s been like this for over a year, it’s messing everything up. I’m sick of it. I want to communicate without looking dumb, I want to get my grades up again, I want to just be able to think again. I want my life back.