I don't know what this may be, _blubbermouth_, but I wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It's not your fault and it's clear you're dealing with a lot right now. Please don't give up. If it can help a bit... I'm here for you. I'll listen to what you have to say. I care about you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Things can get better. I'd suggest to talk to a doctor about this and see how it goes from there. Sending many hugs to you