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Old 01-11-2019, 11:12 AM
Nonosoy Nonosoy is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: France
Posts: 2
Nonosoy Nonosoy is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2019
Location: France
Posts: 2

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Unhappy I killed little animals when I was a kid

Hello everyone, I'm a 25 year old man and I'm scared of what I could become ( or already am ? )

This is going to be long.
I'm terrified at what I've done when I was around 10 years old and later. I tried to find other cases like mine but couldn't find any and I'm desperate for answers and advices of people who lived the same thing.

I've been raised severely but with love. I read hundreds of books by the age of 8. My mother didn't allow me many things and my father was nearly never there because he had ( and still has ) a lot of work.
I've always been the shy type, the good, a bit overweighted kid. I've been rejected by other kids because I was "fat", but managed to make some friends. When I was 6, I had a dog whom I loved dearly and I never did any harm to it. But when my sister got a cat two years later, I remember that I terrorized the poor kitten ( not physically harming it, but I took pleasure in making him scared ). I stopped it without knowing why. When I was 8, our family moved at the other side of the country and I was heavily bullied at school, I felt alone and lots of boys insulted me, threw things at me. I complained to my mother but she wouldn't listen to me, telling me that it would calm down if I didn't retaliate. And I didn't. Not on them.
My mother often took my sister and I to see a friend of her who had children our age and a farm with lots of animals. I don't know how, why, what the hell was I thinking, but I was fascinated with the little chicks with their yellow fluffy feathers I wanted to cuddle them so bad but of course they were very scared of me. One day at that farm I was walking alone when I found a lost chick who was desperate to find his mother. He was running in circles and crying for help, I wanted to take him in my hands but he pecked at me, and I killed him with a heavy piece of wood lying there. Then, everytime I went there, I killed chicks with this same piece of wood, and people thought that predators got them. One day, my mother had an argument with her friend and we never got back there.
One day at school we found a lost baby bird and I got the duty from my teacher of taking it home with me to help. I fed him and gave him food, but still, I don't know what the hell I did that, I took pleasure in hurting it everyday. Until one day my mother told me that my dad had to put it out of its misery. I was very sad that the bird died, as if it wasn't my doing ( what the hell again ).
I then lived without any events of the sort, I even forgot about it until three years ago when it came back in my face out of nowhere and I fell into a severe depression.
I managed to escape from it through therapy and meds over 6 months but since then I regularely suffered from impulsion phobia ( phobia of losing control with intrusive thoughts of extreme violence ). I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years and a half with an abusive ex and I remember that one day we paid a visit to her best friend who had a puppy. I pet the puppy but at some point he bit me a little to play. I took pleasure at making him scared behind the back of everyone. It never happened again. I was fricking 22 at the time. I never hurt any of the three cats I had with my ex. In fact, when the first one died ( liver cancer, nothing we could've done ), I was devastated and I buried it in the garden while crying my heart out. I deeply cared for the two cats we had afterwards.
Two weeks ago I moved in my new flat and my girlfriend who I love tenderly stayed for a week. On the first night I woke up having an anxiety attack and I felt like I had no feelings for my girlfriend. I began to have all the symptoms of my first depression and decided to take the meds again, I'm going to see a psychiatrist on monday morning because I feel like I'm not normal. I'm scared of turning into a monster at some point in time because I have all the red flags.. Animal torture as a child, I very rarely lose my temper but when I'm really angry I barely control myself ( never harmed or wanted to harm anyone though ), I lie a lot in order to avoid trouble or responsabilities ( I swear on everything that I care that I didn't lie in this topic ). I have difficulties managing everyday's tasks such as cleaning, cooking etc..

I helped many people in the past with their problems, I'm a good listener and I think I'm a good friend, people tell me I'm very empathetic. I can't be a bad person right ? ... Right.. ? ...

I think that we only got one life, why did I got this.. I would gladly trade an arm if it would mean I would be sure of my sanity. Any constructive comment is appreciated. I'm lost and scared..
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