dear skeezyks,

your replies to me are enlightening. i'm feeling so much pain right now, so i may not be able to express myself clearly or communicate well!

i took the test of BPD, & it says i have it... it doesn't really matter, 'cause i think each of us has a combination of symptoms from various diagnoses, each period of our lives. we cannot simply be said to be exactly the category of such or such... categories are only "ideal" models, & each individual is very complicated mixes of elements of many categories, varying with time! if you know what i mean!

i'm not sure now what to do. i don't have any capacity, hope, or desire to do anything... neither go to therapists, nor support groups, nor talk to any people, nor go anywhere... to tell you the truth, & i'm sorry i'm saying this, the only thing i wanna do now is simply die... to end all of this pain!

the person i mentioned, just a few weeks ago, told me he still loves me as a friend, & we can resume our friendship normally again. that was on my birthday, the only call or communication i had with a human who knew me. it made me feel so much hope, that i began to plan activities, to search for support groups, to search for events to attend, to read & write... after two weeks now, he says he never said this, that my mind made it all up!!! he simply forgot it all, denies it all, for a reason i can't understand! i'm asking him to talk to me, to make me understand, & he refuses! i cannot understand how such a person, who was a very compassionate, caring, tolerating, knowledgeable would turn into this! i lost all hope!

i understand what you say about spiritual path... i used to be a very religious muslim, but i left religions, 'cause they no longer make any sense to me... the only thing that sometimes brings joy to me is reading about the universe story, science connected with spiritualism (agnostic, more scientific spiritualism, rather than traditional spiritualism). but even that, at times of crushing pain, seems useless & has no meaning to me... only the pain has all the meaning!

i'm not a person who just wants to get educational certificates, & land in highly prestigious jobs! all this is nonsense to me... in fact, i think our materialist world that makes all our desires revolve around getting a certificate, a job, a car, a pension, is what causes all these mental pains & screams in our minds... 'cause that's not what we have evolved in this universe to end up into!

i have a purpose in life, i want to contribute to the world with something radical that changes it (i know, according to professionals, this is grandiose thinking of bipolar!), but what the heck! what is more normal, for a person to have all their life wanting to have a certificate-job-pension, or for a person to have a purpose to change the world, & create something new & radical to change people's lives?!

i already have a plan for the thing i want to do, rather write, that may be my creation for the world... but i'm torn between confidence in myself that i can live on to actually do it, despite of my deteriorated psychological condition, or to just end my life, to end this unbelievable purposeless endless pain... because maybe changing the world itself is just an illusion of my brain!!!