Hello again. I hope you're still with us. I have to apologize for the brief welcome I left yesterday. I was pressed for time so that was about all I could manage. I did want to follow up though & so here I am.

You mentioned, toward the end of your post you'll be seeing a psychiatrist. And I think that is a good idea. One note though with regard to that. I see you list yourself as being in France. I don't know how mental health services work there. But here where I live, all psychiatrists do is to prescribe & monitor psych med's. Any and all discussion of mental health related concerns is left to mental health therapists. If, by some chance, that is similar to the way these sorts of things are handled where you live, I would like to encourage you to seek out a therapist, or perhaps a psychologist, with whom you can delve into all that is going on with you at-length & in-depth. Psych med's are fine. But they're only one part of mental health recovery, in my opinion. One also needs to dig down into the causes of what one is struggling with & figure out what to do about it. That's where therapy comes in.

Okay. So with that said, I'll tell you a couple of stories. (By the way... I'm an old man. So be forewarned.) I don't have much of anything in the way of memories of my life prior to around the age of 8. To some extent, it's like I was born 8 years old. But I do have a few fuzzy inklings of specific things that occurred. One of these must have been when I was not much more than 3 or 4 years old... maybe less? I seem to recall being in a paved area behind a home I presume my parents rented. There was another child about my age there along with that child's mother & my mother. There was a baby bird struggling to walk around on the pavement. And I guess the other child had taken something (a stone or a brick?) and dropped it near, but not on, the baby bird. I, thereupon, picked up the stone or brick & dropped it directly on the bird crushing it. And I recall my mother running up & scolding me... telling me that we were supposed to be just playing. And then when I was around 6 or 7 years old, I would guesstimate, we were living in an apartment in a house that was owned by my grandmother. She had a cat. The yard was surrounded by a white wooden picket fence. The front gate closed with a spring. I, again vaguely, recall trying to shut the cat's tail in the hinged side of the gate.

By the time I was a teenager, we lived out in the country. Often I had little or nothing to do to pass the time. During the summer months, there was a variety of wasp that would burrow down into the dirt on the sunny side of the house. I somehow got the idea of squirting model airplane fuel into the holes, lighting it with a match, & watching as the wasp would come staggering out. Around the same time, we also had a dog (whom I dearly loved, by the way.) My parents had purchased some dog shampoo. The dog hated the smell of it (I guess) and I would chase the dog around the house with it & squirt it at the poor dog whenever I would catch up to it whereupon the dog would take off with me hot on her heels. However, perhaps only a couple years later, my father & I were outside & I had my BB gun. There was a small bird perched on an electrical wire some distance away. I aimed my BB gun at it & fired never imagining I'd actually hit it. But I did & it killed it. I cried.

I don't know what caused me to do all of these things. Obviously it all got started very early in my life. And I don't really know what the point is of sharing all of this with you either... other than to say that I know something of what you've experienced. I think if you were to take a poll, here on PC, you would find that most of the members consider me to be a kind & compassionate Psych Central member. By the same token I've written numerous times, here on PC, that I'm not the same person in real life I am here on PC. In my life I have been both abused &, sad to say, the abuser. I could easily have become an internet troll on the web. But I came to know a YouTuber who taught me, by example, how to be a good person on-line. It is to her I owe whatever good it may be that I do here on PC. Under any circumstances, though, I'm not a monster. (At least I don't think I am. (There may be those who would disagree.) And I sincerely doubt you are a monster either... or that you will likely ever become one. But you do clearly have some things that are of concern to you. And I think that facing them, & dealing with them "head-on", so to speak, is the way to ensure that you won't turn out to be the bad person you feel you may be or might become. Unfortunately, way back when I was young, there were no mental health services available. So those of us who were young back then simply grew up & did the best we could with whatever cards we were dealt. It doesn't have to be that way today. So I hope you take advantage of whatever mental health services are available. My best wishes to you...