Hi Nonosoy, welcome to PC. First of all, it's important to remember that human beings, especially males are "hunter/gatherers" and so we do have that in our human nature. Also, a child doesn't have the understanding and sense of right and wrong as a more developed adult has either. Children also don't really quite understand "death" either or the value of life like a mature adult finally learns to understand.

I watched my older brother constantly bullied on the bus everyday, it was actually traumatic for me to witness every single day. When I talked about this with my therapist his reply was "children can be savages". Actually, this very fact is reflected in a book called "Lord of the Flies" where children were stranded on an island and engaged in things, bad things that would never be allowed in our adult world.

It's not unusual for a young boy to experiment with killing animals either, keep in mind there was and even is now plenty of men that like to hunt and take their young sons with them and the one big goal is "killing animals". So, there is that element within your nature that is normal.

Also, the fact that you were bullied and no one mentored you or stood up for you so you could learn how to fight back has probably left you with a certain sense of vulnerability. Everyone wants to feel safe and find a way to be in "control". We all go through many challenges in our childhoods and in our teens. It's difficult in that that is also when many young piers are still very narcissistic and selfish. So, it's a challenge to get through all these years, especially when a father is always busy working and doesn't spend time with you teaching you about things and being a man and how to slowly develop a sense of control in your life.

The fact that now that you are 25 and thinking about your past and evaluating it, it's important to understand that you are actually at the age where your brain is finally fully developed and has more capacity to look at life in a very different way. This is contributing to how you look back and think "wow that was a bad thing I did", just remember that you are looking back on your own history when you really did not have the overall maturity that you have now. Being age 25 doesn't mean you are actually all grow up either, truth is all it really means is your brain has fully developed and you will be learning more and growing more and will also be growing and changing as a person as well. We do remember things from our childhoods, bit and pieces here and there and sometimes we recall "feeling unsafe" too, that is actually normal and it's important to remember how you were in fact just a child with very little life experience and overall understanding on so many levels, no where near where you are now and will keep growing and gaining on as you live out your life.