I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.
I've made two major attempts on my life. So I have some idea of where you're at. Unfortunately I don't know as I have any particular words of wisdom to offer you beyond the sorts of things I suspect you've heard many times before. Sadly those "truisms" don't tend to mean much when you're at the point where you simply no longer see any reason to go on.
All I can say is that I hope, in some way, you can find the strength to reach out for help in real life.
Here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of how to handle suicidal thinking the first 2 by DocJohn. Perhaps something in these articles can be of help:
Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot
Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You
How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts