I am reluctant to post here again but this is the only place I know of to
discuss therapy stuff. I am not looking for rude or judgemental replies.

I’m well aware many people here hate my T and think he was very
bad with me. While, I agree (and so did he) that he is not a very good
T, what we had worked for me. Being able to connect to him like that
built my confidence, it made me feel like I mattered, I felt so comfortable
that I became assertive with him, we had this amazingly awesome
relationship that made me happy and helped me get through my crap
days. So it may not be “ideal” or whatever but it worked for me. This
is why I think so many therapy rules need to be revamped. Not every
client is the same, nor will they have the same reactions to things.

I went to therapy for anxiety related issues over my dog aging
and sadly he died in the course of my therapy but I had T to help
me through that. I never really went “deep”, I’d avoid feelings
as much as I could and I didn’t want to discuss the past much.
In that sense, I never got anything useful from therapy, which
is a huge reason why I wont go back, therapy isn’t for me…I
kept going all those months after, because of him. Plain and simple.

I didn’t see it as “paying a friend”, I never paid him directly, I paid
the company, so it was more like rental space. T got me a HUGE
discount so I felt really lucky anyway and a few times he didn’t
charge me at all.

In the final sessions, he admitted to having feelings (although wasn’t
specific on that) and a connection with me that he didn’t have
with the others. He said repeatedly with happiness and hope (some times)
that I can reach out in 2 yrs. I thought things were good all things
considered. We had a nice final session, we played a game and
laughed a lot and he really opened up to me about his ex wife and such.
It felt normal, happy. Then after we hugged for the last time and he
walked away…. and after his dreadful last text, my mood went
from happy/hopeful to wondering if I ever really mattered. His job
was over… so the care and all that ended. He didn’t have to deal with
me one more moment, just like that, I was in his past.

The reason I’m posting, isn’t for people to tell me if they like my T or
if they think he was “unethical” or for people to tell me to see another,
but to ask, any advice on dealing with the feeling of suddenly everything
feels fake and meaningless, on my own. I can’t even really sit and think
about the fun times we had because all I think of now was “well he
was at work, it meant nothing to him” and it’s driving me crazy. I WANT
to have that hopeful/semi happy feeling about it all again.

I can’t stop thinking about how, even though I may cross his mind here or
there, I no longer matter. In his goodbye letter, I told him that
I got through my dogs death so well because T made me feel loved, cared
about and like I mattered… but now my mind is saying, but that was
all just, for work. You see, I have a PT cashier job. I hate it. I go
there and put a smile on my face and “talk nice” to the customers
and tell them to have a good day but I literally don’t care about any of
them. It legit IS a job to me and nothing more. So I keep thinking of
everything with us, in the same way. Maybe if we had a more “normal”
T/client thing where I did go deep and share painful things, it might
make sense to me but I even told him I never saw him as a T.
To me, this was just a man, I got to know and I loved being around.
So it all feels fake to me now… like how can I mean anything to him
but he can casually walk away?

I’m unsure of how to get myself back on track with better thoughts but
I need some advice on it. Even if its a 1% chance of seeing him again
someday, I want to hold on to that and help me get through the day,
where as right now, I have 0% belief of it.