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amandalouise
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Member Since: Mar 2009
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 09:24 AM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind View Post
Ok so 3 years ago, my husband used to psychologically and emotionally abuse me. As a result, I looked on the internet for positive attention and generally ended up in online relationships that way. Was it right, no. I realize that. It was a way for me to cope. It literally terrified me to leave because I also have borderline personality disorder and at the time had three dogs which he (at the time) refused to let me vaccinate and then threatened to tell the cops if ever I left .. or to kill them. (Now we have them vaccinated and he no longer abuses me.) He used to tell me
Possible trigger:
. Everytime we get in an argument, he brings up my unfaithfulness. But today, he was talking about the weapons (in a non-threatening way) he has in the house. I told him they used to scare me, and tried to explain I still have PTSD over those. He accused me of wanting to start a fight. Was I truly wrong?
no its not wrong, its normal to bring up the past in relationships. that said my wife and I were taught by a couples therapist that no one wants to be reminded of wrongdoings in the past when they have worked hard to make changes in their lives. your husband for what ever reasons is no longer abusive and no longer acting out with the weapons so now when some one brings up those days its like getting a slap in the face and saying even though you have changed I still dont trust you.

example there is a certain thing my abusers used to do that is common to what my wife used to do. now she doesnt do that because she has made changes in her life and i have made changes in mine.

I used to say to her "because you did this I have this problem still...."

that statement made her feel responsible for my problems and that I still didnt trust her and that all the work she and I did together to make changes in our lives counted for nothing.

think of it this way.... think of something you know you did, maybe it was last month, last year or so ago that you know deeply was not right and could have hurt someone. now think about how you would feel today if every time you turned around that situation got thrown in your face that you did it and could have hurt someone because of your negative behavior... not a good feeling right,... thats how your husband may be feeling. he has made all these changes to move forwards and gets slapped in the face with his bad behavior and choices of the past.

through the couples therapy I learned no one wants to be reminded of things they did wrong even though someone else may still have a problem with it. I learned how to leave the past in the past, with my wife, in regards to our marriage and relationship and move on recognizing and honoring the positive changes in our lives, instead of dwelling on the bad things in the past that are done and over with.

instead just like my other problem, when I am having problems because of the past I take those issues to my therapist.

my suggestion is work with a therapist on your PTSD issues and keep the marriage moving forwards. (unless of course you decide to leave this marriage and then the problem will probably become part of the grounds for divorce again)

Last edited by amandalouise; Jan 15, 2019 at 12:15 PM..
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