Ok .. just gonna respond to things that were raised here that seem to be misunderstandings
#1 It has been over 3 years since any abuse has occurred and he shows no signs of it even surfacing. He gets frustrated or etc with life and does the whole taking it out on me just like any other person does to the ones they are closest to - but not in the abusive verbal bashing or physically threatening way .. just like the gripey flippant tone everytime you do or say something bc he is in a bad mood and then apologizes almost as soon as he is calm. That's something most all of us do. He is not perfect, no. None of us are. But this is a case where God brought us back together, we did not seek each other out not did we intend on staying together once we did meet again - but we were forced into that situation and we needed to make the best of it. We were already legally divorced and I had restraining orders on him, so legally he could have had me arrested. He chose not to. We chose to get along. We found a way to be roommates, then friends, then lovers, and eventually with a lot of prodding from God he asked me to remarry him.. I asked him about 10 times if he was sure he wanted to do this bc last time he said I trapped him into it .. he said yes .. So I agreed. We have been remarried now for over one and a half years, and lived together for a bit over 2 years before remarrying. If his anger ever does rise to a point that I believe he may turn abusive if he goes any further, I tell him and he leaves the room. If his behaviors start seeming controlling in any way we talk about why he is doing it to see if it is legit or if it is something he is not aware he is doing or if he is in some way trying to control me. Next, this is the first time I have been the one to open up the subject of our past in a way to tell him how it still affects me. Normally it is him who opens up that subject when he is angry at me to express how I failed him as a wife before and why his trust is still not 100% and the main reason he married me was bc God told him to. Those are things spoken in anger though. When I speak on sensitive things, I try to do it at a time I am not angry o I can express things rationally - he, prefers to bottle up the things he does not like to look at so when they come out is when we argue. He does better at not bottling as long bc I keep reminding him that's why things get bad, but it's something he grew up having to do for survival so it is something he is having to work very hard at breaking. That being said, jyst as he cannot bottle feelings for a healthy relationship, nor can I. Communication is key, but it needs to be done in a healthy way.
For instance.. when I bring up the past, I bring up his actions and how it made me feel and the fact it was a lot of the cause for me having online affairs, even though I know it is not a good excuse nor is there any good excuse but it is still the truth (and yes that is how I say it .. I take full responsibility for my actions but also let my reasoning be known). When he brings up the past it is in anger - so rather than bringing up my actions and how it made him feel he says I
and says that is also abuse and asks how I think that made him feel. So .. it is in effect bringing up actions and how it made him feel but in a very negative way bc he is already upset when talking about it and he refuses to talk about it any other time.
We used to go to counseling before we were divorced trying to fix our marriage - both his abuse and my cheating, but instead of helping they just took sides and pit us against one another even further. One even said to me "well no wonder he treats you like that - look how you treat him!" right in front of him, another said to him "she's not doing anything wrong, she's just reacting to what you are doing" in front of me. So .. neither of us trust counselors at this point and are just trying to heal our marriage with God's help .. He's been the best counselor so far. ❤
So, hopefully that clears up confusions.
My question though is - am I wrong for trying to bring up how I still feel with weapons around at times .. it's not all the time, just sometimes .. or is it something I should jyst try to resolve within myself?