You asked what people thought and it sounds like you do not like the opinions you got. I will not say that someone cant change..I am an alcoholic in recovery and I changed. I know tons of addicts who served time in prison and committed domestic violence and they changed so it IS possible. I think the hard part of changing in this sense is that you are saying it can creep in a little bit.
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Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind
If his anger ever does rise to a point that I believe he may turn abusive if he goes any further, I tell him and he leaves the room. If his behaviors start seeming controlling in any way we talk about why he is doing it to see if it is legit or if it is something he is not aware he is doing or if he is in some way trying to control me.
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Are you saying his anger has risen to the point where you fear violence and have had to tell him to leave the room? Or is that a hypothetical example?
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Next, this is the first time I have been the one to open up the subject of our past in a way to tell him how it still affects me. Normally it is him who opens up that subject when he is angry at me to express how I failed him as a wife before and why his trust is still not 100% and the main reason he married me was bc God told him to.
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That is really sad. Sad that you reunited and he would say that to you.
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Those are things spoken in anger though. When I speak on sensitive things, I try to do it at a time I am not angry o I can express things rationally - he, prefers to bottle up the things he does not like to look at so when they come out is when we argue.
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Yes, said in anger but that doesnt mean its ok.
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For instance.. when I bring up the past, I bring up his actions and how it made me feel and the fact it was a lot of the cause for me having online affairs, even though I know it is not a good excuse nor is there any good excuse but it is still the truth (and yes that is how I say it .. I take full responsibility for my actions but also let my reasoning be known). When he brings up the past it is in anger - so rather than bringing up my actions and how it made him feel he says I
and says that is also abuse and asks how I think that made him feel. So .. it is in effect bringing up actions and how it made him feel but in a very negative way bc he is already upset when talking about it and he refuses to talk about it any other time.
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It sounds like he is allowed to disparage you and throw your mistakes in your face but you are not allowed to say what bothered you. If you really want to talk about the past abuse I do not feel that telling him that his behavior was why you cheated to be helpful or necessary. It doesnt matter why you cheated anymore than it matters why he was abusive. You both were wrong.
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My question though is - am I wrong for trying to bring up how I still feel with weapons around at times .. it's not all the time, just sometimes .. or is it something I should jyst try to resolve within myself?
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I do not think you are wrong. What kind of weapons are we talking about?