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Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 05:48 PM
 
First, it is not that I do not like the answers I got - but just that incorrect assumptions were made. When that is done, one cannot receive a good answer bc the incorrect information is what the answer is based upon. It is the same as if a child asks "mom, what does 5x4 equal?" And the mom says "5+4 equals 9". Part of the information used was correct, the 5 and 4; but part was also incorrect, the type of mathematical function, which led to an incorrect answer. People need all the correct information to give good sound advice. If part of the information gets left out, confused, or misunderstood, it needs to be clarified. I was clarifying the information.

Now - onto the remainder of your comment.

I have never had to tell him to leave the room, that is how he chooses to handle it. I never allow it to get to the point where it may lead to abuse, I tell him when it looks as if it could.

It is sad that he says it to me, yes, but it is also important that he is open and honest and able to be that way. That is something he was never able to do before our divorce which is in part what led to the huge blowouts. When someone stuffs too many things, eventually they either explode or implode or both and the aftermath is never good. What he does now is hurtful but honest. What he used to do was just inflict pain in any way he could with words or threats. Usually he is protective and loving with me, this is his anger. True, anger does not make it right, which is why he apologizes. I know I say and do things in anger that are not right and I am not proud of later either. I think all of us do. Don't you?

Honestly - I think it's important to understand each point of view. Why I felt the need to cheat and why he felt the need to abuse. Both of us have childhood abuse in our past and both of us has mental health issues because of it. I feel like if we just say "sorry I did this", it's like putting a band-aid on a huge gaping wound instead of first cleaning it and then stitching it up. Talking about the why's, though extremely hard and painful and sensitive is like cleaning a deep wound which is also extremely hard and painful and sensitive to do correctly, saying "sorry, I know there is no good reason for what I did and I know I hurt you, I promise to not do that again" is stitching it up properly. You can then start to move on fresh and begin the healing process without the ache of the wound.

Does that make sense?

That's why I want to be able to talk to him about the why's and his abuse is a big part bc I also deal with borderline personality disorder and PTSD and depression and anxiety because of my past. During the abuse - all of that was triggered in a big way at a constant rate, because of the borderline personality disorder I felt unable to leave bc of my fear of myself - I knew if I left I would blame myself, be alone, and
Possible trigger:
because I had been in other abusive relationships but not married and when we broke that was how I behaved due to my borderline personality disorder. Then when he started with the controlling aspect of abuse to get me to not leave in a way it was a relief - bc I could blame him for my choice to not leave and yes he was part of it bc his threats did weigh on me, but my fear of myself was always larger. So he needs to understand how much power he has to trigger my mental health issues bc generally we both can keep both of our respective issues controlled - as long as the other does not unwittingly trigger them or someone else. If we never talk about what happened and why, how can we understand it? But .. I need to understand how to approach it bc maybe I am doing something wrong in the way I am going about it. For instance, I don't ease into it - I am blunt, bc I am not sure how to ease into it.

As to weapon .. the ones we have are strictly for defense and only get taken out when he wants to clean them. That doesn't bother me. I'd actually like him to teach me to use some of them. What bothers me at times is when he talks about conversations he had with people about weapons in the past (the same time frame we had marital issues) and then I start thinking of how things were then and of the ones we have now and I get a minor episode of PTSD .. nothing like I used to from
Possible trigger:
or other more violent things that happend to me well before I ever met him but still a light form of PTSD. I know PTSD well enough to recognise it for what it is so feel he needs to know what triggers it, right?

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