I spent a lot of the session talking about a few recent instances where people have misused power in ways I have found upsetting. He was very validating, particularly around my feelings about my proposed research supervisor, who is someone who I have clashed with before, and whom I would never have a conversation with again unless I recorded it (my previous clash with her involved her denying my experience of what happened and what was said). He told me I shouldn't have to work with someone I don't find trustworthy and he helped me make a really important distinction in that she invalidated my experience twice- she invalidated my experience of what happened in the room with her and also invalidated my feelings about what I had been talking about by saying I had said something else.

We linked my feelings about power and authority to a few things including when I was in 6th form and I was shoved in a room with a teacher and told to "resolve your differences". T said "as though you were equal" which I found very validating. It was a hugely unequal and unfair situation.

We also linked it to my Dad and I said how he wielded power and I never felt like my feelings or rights were respected at all. T said he had never heard me talking so strongly about my father before. I am usually very protective of him because I value my relationship with him. I took this as permission (I don't know why I felt I needed it) to go deeper into my feelings about being my father's daughter and how he was so strict with me because he was a single parent and just didn't know what to do with me when I was a teenager. How that led to me running away etc.

There were 15 minutes left. I asked if he thought there was time to look at his session notes from my first ever session with him. He said yes if I wanted to. I said "can I have a hug first?" So we stood up and he hugged me tight. He said "it's been an intense session" I said "Yeah I needed to hug it out I think".

I read his notes. I can't believe how much I told him in the first session. It was mostly biographical (and there were a couple of inaccuracies) but it was so comprehensive.

At the end he wrote:

That last line seems particularly accurate.

We discussed some of what he had written. Then we reached the end. I asked if I could keep it and he said yes "and treat it with discretion and caution" i replied "or take a photo of it and send it to [friend], whichever." He laughed and said yes it is mine to do what I like with.

He gave me a sheet of paper with his holiday dates on. He's only gone for two weeks this year. One in February and one in June.

Weirdly I can't remember if I paid him, and i can't remember if we hugged at the end as we normally do. I can't understand why I don't remember because we were just chatting about holidays so I won't have been dissociative.

He wished me luck with something I'm doing this weekend and I left. I emailed him after to ask whether I paid and he hasn't replied yet.