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Old 01-16-2019, 01:47 PM
Echos Myron redux Echos Myron redux is offline
Grand Poohbah
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
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Echos Myron redux Echos Myron redux is offline
Grand Poohbah
Echos Myron redux is tired
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,844 (SuperPoster!)

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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

I spent a lot of the session talking about a few recent instances where people have misused power in ways I have found upsetting. He was very validating, particularly around my feelings about my proposed research supervisor, who is someone who I have clashed with before, and whom I would never have a conversation with again unless I recorded it (my previous clash with her involved her denying my experience of what happened and what was said). He told me I shouldn't have to work with someone I don't find trustworthy and he helped me make a really important distinction in that she invalidated my experience twice- she invalidated my experience of what happened in the room with her and also invalidated my feelings about what I had been talking about by saying I had said something else.

We linked my feelings about power and authority to a few things including when I was in 6th form and I was shoved in a room with a teacher and told to "resolve your differences". T said "as though you were equal" which I found very validating. It was a hugely unequal and unfair situation.

We also linked it to my Dad and I said how he wielded power and I never felt like my feelings or rights were respected at all. T said he had never heard me talking so strongly about my father before. I am usually very protective of him because I value my relationship with him. I took this as permission (I don't know why I felt I needed it) to go deeper into my feelings about being my father's daughter and how he was so strict with me because he was a single parent and just didn't know what to do with me when I was a teenager. How that led to me running away etc.

There were 15 minutes left. I asked if he thought there was time to look at his session notes from my first ever session with him. He said yes if I wanted to. I said "can I have a hug first?" So we stood up and he hugged me tight. He said "it's been an intense session" I said "Yeah I needed to hug it out I think".

I read his notes. I can't believe how much I told him in the first session. It was mostly biographical (and there were a couple of inaccuracies) but it was so comprehensive.

At the end he wrote:

Her father "doesn't do emotional", whilst her mother would always make her feelings the centre of attention in feeling conversations - mother's narcissistic wound? My initial hypothesis - wants to fall into emotional reverie and be held as her mother could not provide this, but is also fearful of being engulfed.
That last line seems particularly accurate.

We discussed some of what he had written. Then we reached the end. I asked if I could keep it and he said yes "and treat it with discretion and caution" i replied "or take a photo of it and send it to [friend], whichever." He laughed and said yes it is mine to do what I like with.

He gave me a sheet of paper with his holiday dates on. He's only gone for two weeks this year. One in February and one in June.

Weirdly I can't remember if I paid him, and i can't remember if we hugged at the end as we normally do. I can't understand why I don't remember because we were just chatting about holidays so I won't have been dissociative.

He wished me luck with something I'm doing this weekend and I left. I emailed him after to ask whether I paid and he hasn't replied yet.
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