Before recovery (substances and mental health) i felt unwanted and almost like I was an outcast- too damaged to deserve love and understanding. I had to make a lot of mistakes and do a lot of damage before I realized that I deserve love and kindness. I found out that wondering about what other people's motives were and if they liked or wanted me only kept me preoccupied in my head. I spent way too much time thinking about myself. In a way I was very self absorbed. I had to put my demons to bed and make a lot of amends. I had to become med compliant. I had to learn that I am responsible for my own happiness and it wasnt anyone elses' job to give me meaning or happiness. I needed to stop thinking about myself and actively participate in thinking of others. When you are trying to think of others, and do for others it is very hard to focus on yourself and when you do, you are a lot kinder to yourself. Finding meaning in being kind and having empathy and compassion became my new food for the soul. I am just not that interesting or important enough for people to sit around thinking about or trying to exclude me or harm me. Once I stopped caring and no longer validated negative people by my reactions I found my inner peace. Letting go of resentments helped as well. I cant change other people. I had to change me and how I acted, reacted and participated. I shun gossip. I do not participate in "taking someone down" or **** talking. (thats not to say it never happens but rarely to I get sucked into it). Treating myself as kindly as I treat others sort of leveled the playing field.