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Originally Posted by Butterfly1971
Hi...I divorced my husband of 15 years...the hardest decision I ever made. He was my best friend and I still love and care about him. He would take me back. I miss him and our life but I left him for what I think were good reasons. I am in a new relationship and I love the man. There wasn’t a whole lot of time in between my divorce and meeting him. New guy has a really hard time talking about feelings. He did something early into our relationship that has me feeling insecure at times. He inappropriately messaged two women. I caught him. He says he stopped. I can’t stop thinking about what I read on his phone. I confronted him and he begged forgiveness. He didn’t see it as cheating. I do. He’s been single for ten years and dated a lot. He struggles I think with being of a relationship mind. I’m in my 40’s and he’s in his 50’s. What are your thoughts on my situation?
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How long have you been seeing the new guy? You said there wasn't much time after the divorce before you met him. Is that part of the problem? You aren't quite ready to trust again yet? Only you can decide that.
With regard to the inappropriate messages to other women...what were they? Were they sexual? Something else that bothered you? It is important when you say he didn't deem that cheating but you do. Each person defines cheating differently. Some women think use of pornography or attending a strip-club is cheating and some women do not think that's cheating. Just examples. The question is: are you in agreement now? Two choices: he agrees to stop messaging other women (if they're sexual that is...hopefully you aren't suggesting that he cannot have platonic female friends) or you agree to ignore said messages. To me, that's the issue...can you two develop an agreement on what is and isn't okay in your relationship? Something you are both willing and comfortable sticking to.
And, are you ready to trust anyone yet after your divorce? I waited years before having a serious relationship after my divorce. I'm actually quite concerned about a friend who is heavily committed to a new man and her divorce isn't even official yet. I realize that's not your situation...just highlighting the importance of time to grieve and heal after divorce. Without sufficient time to heal, we could meet someone wonderful and still be unable to trust and move forward. Is your current guy wonderful? I have no idea. I had a therapist who said when dating someone new, you need to slowly collect data and look for trends in the data. You collected some data about the messages to other women...now you need time to look for trends....are there other issues of concern etc.
As I said, without knowing what the messages to other women were, I cannot really comment. I am committed to my parent and I have platonic male friends. If he suggested I couldn't have male friends, he would no longer be my partner.