Until now, I've been working on 75% time. Now I got an opportunity to work full time. It will be combined from two places of work. The new work is better, I can use my skills, gain more respect, self confidence and it's something I plan doing long term.

However the problem is working is very triggering to me. I actually got PTSD symptoms activated from my first full time job after uni. It was extremely stressful, I was bullied and worked 12-14 hours a day, as well as had to attend training during the weekends. I had nightmares, extreme anxiety and depression. I don't know how I survived. If I stayed just a month longer I would have ended up in mental hospital. Work has activated my trauma from childhood because I used to be bullied as a kid, too and than I got the same at work.

Now I realise I should be happy about working 8hrs a day, and it's a work I enjoy. However on a purely physical level, my nervous system is panicking and recognizing work as a trauma trigger. Yesterday I got a true panic attack when I realized I'm going to work more hours. I had to ground, do breathing exercises and splash myself with cold water. I was shaking and my face got red. I had an ugly nightmare about a snake at night.

I rationally know I'm being ridiculous and it looks like I'm spoiled and lazy. Many people work much more and have families to care about... I should be happy and content and feeling this anxiety makes me ashamed of myself.

I haven't even started my new work yet and I'm already scared of collapsing in advance.