I've got to figure out a way to let all this go.

It isn't healthy to continue to allow this to derail me.

It's like pulling a loose thread and all the sudden realizing that it's unraveling the whole thing ...

All the way back to them ... them being my family of origin.

They're the ones that left me with these feelings of otherness ... not belongingness ... alienated ... undesireable ... misfit ... defective ... reject ... not good enough ... too much ... not enough ... outsider ... outcast ...

Only good for them when they needed something ... and their something was that I was nothing more than an outlet for their physical, emotional, sexual and verbal abuse of me ... their teasing, terrorizing, tormenting and bullying of me ...

I'm still paying for all that today ... And it really makes me sad (and angry) that I was alone then and am still alone now ...

Because they stole away my ability to trust and connect in a healthy way with anyone else ever again.