View Single Post
Anonymous57363
Guest
Anonymous57363 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jan 21, 2019 at 01:32 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly1971 View Post
Hi...I divorced my husband of 15 years...the hardest decision I ever made. He was my best friend and I still love and care about him. He would take me back. I miss him and our life but I left him for what I think were good reasons. I am in a new relationship and I love the man. There wasn’t a whole lot of time in between my divorce and meeting him. New guy has a really hard time talking about feelings. He did something early into our relationship that has me feeling insecure at times. He inappropriately messaged two women. I caught him. He says he stopped. I can’t stop thinking about what I read on his phone. I confronted him and he begged forgiveness. He didn’t see it as cheating. I do. He’s been single for ten years and dated a lot. He struggles I think with being of a relationship mind. I’m in my 40’s and he’s in his 50’s. What are your thoughts on my situation?
Hi Butterfly, I should have asked before if you have a specific question...are you wondering about reuniting with your ex-husband or are you wondering more about how to manage your current relationship?

Sounds like a confusing time for you. I'm sorry you're going through so much. Have you tried therapy? That could be really helpful. For example, I know you were not okay with whatever the phone messages were but are you okay with going through someone else's phone? Unless I missed a piece, you violated his boundaries there...same thing if it's a laptop or pockets or anything private.

It was suggested on another thread that it's okay to violate a boundary if you have concerns about infidelity. It's not. Two wrongs don't make a right. If someone questions their partner's fidelity, they need to be up front and have an honest conversation about it.

Trust is a leap of faith. No matter who we are or who we date. We decide if we are willing to make the leap or not. There's no 100% guarantee with anyone. We do our best to choose a partner with the same relationship goals and mutual respect for boundaries. Then we hope for the best. It sounds like there are trust issues on both sides here...helpful to look at the whole picture. If my significant other was secretly accessing my phone or computer, I would not be happy at all. He would not find anything problematic but that still doesn't mean it's okay to do that if there are concerns.

I mention these issues to help you think through your part and his. I am not moralizing. You said you love this man so I hope you folks are able to directly and calmly discuss your concerns to figure out if continuing the relationship works for each of you. Have you apologized for going through his phone? Has he agreed to your terms for what you deem cheating/unacceptable? Two main issues here are boundaries and trust. If I misunderstood something, I'm sorry in advance

Peace to you
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky, sarahsweets