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Originally Posted by FearfulMother
My first cousin is also going through the same thing. When she was a child, she heard some people say "i can not imagine something moving inside of me" (that was one trigger) and the other one was when that comedian Chelsea Handler said "I don't think I would ever be able to carry the baby to full term, I would feel so trapped". She keeps on repeating these 2 thoughts and I don't know how to help her. Last year she was pregnant and miscarried because of the abnormalities
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I imagine this was hard for her but I am not sure the "trapped" feeling wouldnt happen again.
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She could not imagine that she was trapped with something inside of her without having the control to expel it or keep it or to do what she wanted.
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This is very concerning to me.When you choose to bring a child into the world(even in utero) you no longer are able to do what you want. I mean yes you could have an abortion but anything else means you have to think of something other than yourself. Is she willing to think like that?
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May be she is a little controlling but this was really a traumatic experience for her. Please don't judge. Anyhow, she was pregnant 3 times. First time the feeling was good and she felt proud but her husband wanted her to abort, so she did.
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What made the next pregnancies ok but not this one? What changed the husband's mind?
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Later on they decided to have children, and she had two miscarriages. First was early in pregnancy and the second one was at 4m. She was ok with it at 3,5m but then they told her something was wrong with the fetus and for her, even thought she later on cried and felt deep sorrow, she still felt relieved.
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Why do you think she felt relieved?
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Now that she is supposed to be doing ivf, she is afraid that "what if she changes her mind in the middle of the pregnancy?" or "how will she react when she feels the kicks of the baby for the first time, will she freak out?". This is a sensitive issue and she tried talking to a therapist but without much success. She can not talk to her husband or anyone else since the society does not understand this kind of fear. I thought that may be this is because she generally a person with low self esteem? Or may be because her own mother was not really a warm person and she never developed a warm relationship with her?
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I have to admit that this concerns me. It concerns me because these feelings have come up before. The fact that she wonders what will happen if she changes her mind implies (to me) that she is not ready to be a mother. You really need to be aware and come to terms with that once you are pregnant with the intention of having children- your body is no loner yours. The baby has to become the focus and the most important. Wondering what happens if she changes her mind makes me think she has already changed it. It almost sounds like an aversion to pregnancy. The thing is, babies are not meant to be 'what-if' decisions. You have to have it all decided before you begin IVF. There should not be any doubts left because you are about to pay a lot of money and put your body through some duress in order to have a child. A child that she may want or change her mind on- but that isnt really fair to the child, Imagine if she wondered if she wanted a baby or not but still carries the pregnancy? She has the baby and now the baby will represent the choice she didnt make and maybe she will even resent it.
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I don't know what to tell her. She is at the borderline age where if she does not do it soon, I am afraid she won't be able to do it later-at least not naturally. She has this one IVF shot now or never. OK, may be not never because the IVF she can do later, a month, two from now. In the meantime, I don't know what to tell her what to do and how to calm her down.
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I think being gut-level honest with her would be a good idea. Help her to face things head on while the decisions are easier.
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Ironically, she does want to have a child (her own) and she knows that she will be a great mother once the baby is "out". I know that too because she is a very nice, warm and rational person.
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There are many nice, warm rational people who are not good mothers. What makes her think she will be a great mother? What are the attributes the she has that make you think she will be a great mother?
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Together we visited many websites and we came across a term Tocophobia, but other than defining it, we didn't come across any answers on how to deal with it and what to do. Like i said, she was fine past 14 weeks, may be this was the answer for her, that she would be ok, but now again that she is preparing for the pregnancy, she is freaking out with all of the questions I mentioned at the beginning. She is for some reason not connecting to the idea of being pregnant in a way other women do.
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it honestly doesnt matter what her situation may be called or caused by. The fact that there is this much turmoil involved leads me to think now is not the time for her to get pregnant.
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She is also generally doubtful of people (had a hard life, turbulent upbringing etc) and I am thinking may be she is doubtful of people, human beings in general? I am not a psychologist so I don't know what to say and how to help her. She asked me recently "what if I decide to terminate the pregnancy at 25 weeks, where can i go, where can i do it?"
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To me this is very scary. I am not moralizing this and I am very pro-choice but wondering how late she can have an abortion is just...scary to me. I just do not understand changing your mind that late. To me that means you were never sure to begin with- or that you chose to get pregnant for the wrong reasons or impulsively.
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Together we searched the net, thinking may be if I give her answers and security in light of “you can control what to do with your body (gave her names of the clinics where they perform late abortions) that this would calm her down and actually make her want the baby, and it did somewhat but only until week 22 or so. This is where her “25 week question” comes from . Like I said, her biggest fear is of being pregnant itself. Are there any other women/couples who have gone through this? Any psychologists or other women with similar fears she could may be talk/contact online? How can this anxiety be overcome? Please help.
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Where is her husband in all of this? How does he feel? You said he wanted her to have the first abortion so does he now support her being pregnant? Did he have a change of heart?