I could not bring myself to leave my apartment this holiday weekend. My tendency to isolate is getting worse. It was complicated by bad weather and some sciatica pain in my left lower back, hip and thigh. I can't even bring myself to plan a much needed vacation as I both don't like travelling alone as well as forcing myself to be social. The roots of his go all the way back to my childhood and my adult life where I was repeatedly abused for being gay to the point that I am afraid to leave my apartment. The abuse continues when I leave the apartment. No place is safe for me, not even the gay community with its self-destructive ways.